Sunday, February 26, 2012

things that go burp in the night

In the Fry family home, it's not the bump in the night that you listen for.

It's the burp in the night.

Superfrykid has a sensitive gag reflex. 

This might be a good point to stop if you don't like stuff that's gross.  Like barf.

Superfrykid has a sensitive gag reflex.  I can't tell you how many times she's barfed in the middle of the night because she burped and kind of choked at the same time.  We have become professionals at catching it before it happens.

It's almost like the pop that happens before the fire in the Fire Swamp.  Remember, in The Princess Bride when Wesley & Buttercup go into the Fire Swamp and there are like random flames that shoot up willy nilly?  But they figure out that there is a popping/hissing noise before it happens, so they avoid turning into toast.

That's kind of what happens at our house.  Superfrykid lets out an oddly loud burp and then you have approximately 3 seconds to point her face away from you and into a trashcan or preferably, the toilet.

This used to happen all the time when she was younger.  Now that she's older, it doesn't happen as often.  Thank goodness.

However, I still hear the burp in the night from time to time and it makes me bolt upright out of bed and into action.  I could probably make it through the Fire Swamp quite nicely.  I wish I looked like Buttercup from The Princess Bride.  Sadly, I'm more like a cross between Valerie (Miracle Max's wife) and the Albino.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

more is not always better

More is not always better.

Case in point:  Today I thought I accidently rubbed my contact lens out of my eye, so I put another one in.

Turns out, the first one was still there, so I was wearing 2 contacts.

I looked like I had a clear butterfly trying to hatch out of my eye. 

Then I couldn't figure out which one to throw away. 

I'm sure I probably threw the new one away, which is annoying because surely tomorrow the old one will bother me and I will have wasted a perfectly good contact lens.

More is not always better.

Monday, February 20, 2012

this is my formal apology

I must apologize to my husband formally and for all the world to hear.

Remember Battle-ACK?

Well, my niece (the one I accused of buying drugs instead of shrimp) niece and her fiance were over here last night.  My niece was telling us that she said "pigsty" and her fiance made fun of her and said, "No, it's pigSTINE.  A sty is something you get in your eye."  And so she felt stupid & stood corrected. 

That is, until they came over here and she was telling me the story and I told her she was correct & pigSTINE was something he made up.

Which led to a conversation about Battle-ACK.  Everyone else agreed with Superfrydad so I told them to google it.  I was not about to be corrected by people who don't know what a pigsty is. 

So we googled Battlelack (note the addition of the letter l), and guess what?  It's in the urban dictionary.


So I had to say that I was wrong.  And I did.

However, I must say that when I looked up the Urban Dictionary, the word of the day was "Dat Sh** Cray". 
So I apologized, but I still think that I am partially right because clearly the Urban Dictionary is not a reference to guide your life by.  Can I get a what-what?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

chocolate covered ketchup

Here's a little ketchup dipped in chocolate (aka a post-Valentine's Day wrap up):

I helped in Superfrykid's 1st grade class today during the party.  And by helped I mean I went and wandered aimlessly trying not to get sneezed on while the teacher & other mom did all the work.

Let me just say this:  Valentine's Day is a pain in the you-know-what for teachers.  The chaos of passing out Valentines pretty much made me twitch for about 2 hours after I left.  If I were a teacher, I would tell the kids that Valentine's Day is like the planet Pluto.  It is no more. 

Several of the Valentines that I saw today were from Pinterest.  They were adorable.

Here's the danger of Pinterest.  You darned if you do and darned if you don't.

If you make the adorable Pinterest Valentine:
a.  your hands cramp for days because you were cutting out some intricate pattern 25 times
b.  you spend money and time on something that is ultimately thrown in the trash
c.  you irritate the other moms who are not as crafty nor as cool

If you do not make the adorable Pinterest Valentine:
a.  your child whines about it because they thought you were going to make something awesome
b.  your generic valentine gets thrown in the trash first and is lucky to even make it home.  Therefore it is a waste of paper, time, and possibly $1
c.  you feel guilty that you made your child use the valentines you bought on clearance last year that did not even have envelopes or candy included.

Guess which one I am?  Yes, that's right.  I'm the one who pinned a plethora of ideas on my little board but instead made my child use the uber generic ones I got on clearance last year that did not include envelopes, candy or even a pencil.

Oh well, such is life.  If you want to follow me on Pinterest, click on the red button to the right.  You can see all of the cute ideas I thought I might try but never even attempted. 

Now, please excuse me while I go raid my daughter's Valentine's stash for a piece of chocolate. 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

plunger time

Warning:  this post contains references to poop.  If you are not a fan of this topic, stop reading now.

There is a phenomenon that happens A LOT around here.  I'm not sure what to call it, but here's what happens:

I clean the bathroom. 

Within 24 hours, someone's butt explodes  someone uses the restroom and a plunger is required.

The person who uses the plunger leaves bits and pieces of the disaster IN MY CLEAN TOILET!!!

I can't tell you the rage that fills me when I go into the bathroom & see shards of toilet paper and other items clinging to the inside of the bowl.

Here's my thought:
If you blow up the toilet, you should give it a courtesy cleaning.  ESPECIALLY if it was in pristine shape before you used it.

I'll let you figure out who does this in our household.  Here's a hint:  it's not me. 

I know this is gross, but I did warn you. 

You know that children's book, "Everyone Poops"?
I'm going to write one called, "Everyone Poops, but Not Everyone Knows How Much Toilet Paper is  Too Much."  And then the sequal will be "Everyone Poops, but Not Everyone Knows How to Use a Plunger and a Toilet Brush."

PS - I chose to steal  borrow the graphic that has the little comment, "apples don't poop" because that's what I think when I see that book cover.  That's funny, isn't is?  My book cover will not include any food items.   Although if I did include a food item, I would not choose an apple.  I would choose corn.  Just sayin.

Friday, February 10, 2012

top chef

If you don't watch Top Chef, go ahead & skip this post.  Go to Pinterest or something  instead.  I have a fancy red button over there to the right if you would like to follow my boards.

If you do watch Top Chef, feel free to skip if you have something better to do.  Clearly, since you are here in the first place, you don't, so read on.

I'm so glad that Ed is finally gone!

His chewing while talking thing drove me nuts from day one.

Know what I'm talking about?

When he finishes speaking, he moves his jaw like a typewriter resetting.

It's more annyoing than fingernails down a chalkboard. 

It's like he's grinding his teeth, only in a more annoying manner, if that's possible.

Ed, you are probably a great chef, but I'm glad to not have to watch your jaw pretend to be a typewriter after you speak.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

frozen car doors

I drive an old car.  It's a 2001.  It features a cassette player, air conditioning that doesn't work, and a passenger side floorboard that sometimes fills up with water when it rains. 

It's no surprise when things go wrong with my car.  I've been stranded various times (twice at Target) and pretty much anything that can go wrong, has. 

The latest madness inducing problem little quirk is this:  my doors freeze shut.

This first happened a few months ago one day when I was leaving to drop Superfrykid off at school & go to work.

It had rained the evening before and then it got pretty cold overnight.  When I went out to start my car, I had a difficult time opening the door.  In fact, I had to get in on the passenger side to ram the driver's side door open from the inside.   I figured once it warmed up, all would be well.

So I go back inside to finish getting everything together, then about 10 minutes later, we jump in and take off.  I backed out & my door falls open & flaps in the breeze.  Good thing I already had my seatbelt on because that would not have been good to fall out of the car while driving.

I think to myself:  Ok, no big deal.  I will lock it and it will be fine. 

However, my door will not latch closed and my state of the art door locks will not lock if they think there is a door that's open.

Fine, I'll just hold my door shut the whole way while I drive.

I grip the door firmly and proceed down the driveway.  Then my passenger door flies open.  It won't latch either.

Lovely.  I can drive while holding my own door shut.  However, I cannot reach over and hold the passenger door closed while I am driving nor do I have a piece of rope or a long scarf to try and MacGuyver it.

It's just one of those things that pretty much only happen to me.

Since then, it's only happened a few times.

Once I got about a mile down the road & had to pull over to make sure the passenger door was closed.  I got out and ran around to the other side of the car to open & re-close the door.  My friend, who once saved my life with a breastpump, happened to drive by & beeped at me.  Then I get a text asking me if I'm ok and if I'm just doing a Chinese firedrill. No, I'm just making sure my doors don't fly open unexpectedly.  She understood perfectly, which is one of the reasons we are friends, because she just gets it.  No need to stop, just wave & beep - she knew if I had needed her, I would have given some type of distress signal.  Also, she realized that there was a possibility that it was, indeed, a Chinese firedrill.  Which I must say, I thoroughly enjoy, but generally don't do them unless I'm getting married.  But that's another story for another time.

This is my life, people.

When you feel like complaining about something, just be glad you don't have to go around gripping your door handle while you drive or wondering if your passenger door is about to make like a Transformer and pretend to be an airplane.

Monday, February 6, 2012


Here's another nugget of life with the Fry family to dip in your ketchup:

Superfrydad and I were watching something on TV & this little old lady was interrupting a broadcaster and tapping on his arm to get his attention while he was trying to talk into the camera. 

Superfrydad says, "Look at that old battle-ack."

I snicker and say, "It's battle-ax, not battle-ack."

He says, in a most annoyed voice, "No it's not."

I snort.

He says in a high pitched voice, "It's Battle-ACK!  That's what everyone says!  You're wrong, there's no such thing as a battle-ax."

I laugh like I've never laughed before because I realize that he is dead serious.  Nothing I said could convince him that he was wrong.

Then he got mad, because he's a baby  because I could not let it go. 

"Battle-ackin', crack-a-lackin'" (said in Marty the Zebra's voice from the movie Madagascar)

"Men, it's time for us to fight!  Get your Battle-ACKS & defend yourselves!" (said with an accent a la Braveheart.  Try it, it's hilarious.)

"Battle-ack, Shmattle-ack"

Finally, he conceded and admitted that I was right. 
But only after I  hounded him for several minutes and nearly choked myself laughing. Thankfully, we do  not own a battle-ax, so he could not fling it at me.

These are the moments in life that I cherish, because I love to be right.  I love to be right even more if Superfrydad is wrong and double points if it's the hilariously funny kind of wrong.

Not that battle-axes come up in conversation much around here, but I am patiently waiting for the moment when it's appropriate to make fun of him again for this.  I might have to go see some kind of man-war movie and then I could lean over and whisper, "Honey, is that thing that Viking is holding called a.....battle-ACK? bwahaha!"

It would be a win-win, because not only would I get to say "battle-ack", I would get to eat popcorn too.  Excuse me while I go check the "Now Playing" at Fandango.