Thursday, November 29, 2012

broccoli ballet

This is Superfrykid's first year of ballet.

She's 8, which by many standards is probably WAAAAY too late to really get a good foundation for becoming the professional dancer that I'm sure she will aspire to be.  But I'm a slacker mom like that, so stop judging me.

Anyway, if you don't know me in real life, dance is probably #1027 on my list of things I don't like.  It's not that I have anything against it, but it's just not my "thing", ya know?

Probably this has something to do with the fact that I have no dancing skills whatsoever.  In general, I only like things I'm good at, and dancing is not one of those.  As a matter of fact, maybe that's why I pretty much hate everything because I'm not really good at much.  But that's a discussion for another day.

Back to ballet.

Superfrykid has really been enjoying her class and this week she was really excited because they were going to see a picture of their costumes for their recital.

Superfrydad went in to pick her up while I sat in the car. (Because he's awesome and I hate going into the waiting area and pretending to be normal and nice and dance-mom-ish).....anyway...Superfrykid came out to the car and here's how the conversation went:

ME:  "Did you see your costume?"

Silence from the back seat.

SUPERFRYDAD: "It's green and it's sparkly."

ME: (Trying to feign excitement because really I could care less as long as it doesn't look like it was made for a midget streetwalker.):  "Ooooh....sparkly!  That sounds pretty!"

Silence from the back seat.

ME: (turns around to look at SFK) "Do you like it?"

SFK:  (crosses arms and makes a snooty face)

ME:  "What's wrong with green and sparkly?"

SFK: (shrieking) "I"M BROCCOLI!!!!!"

ME: (quickly turning back to the front to hide my face while laughing uncontrollably) "I didn't know broccoli could dance!"  (Laughter turns to snorts and uncontrollable giggles)

SFK: "Mommmmmmmmm!  You're mean!"

ME:  (singing) "Broc-co-leeeeee, Cel-er-eeeee, Gotta Beeeeeeee, VeggieTales.  Lima Beeeeeeeeeans, Collard Greeeeeeens, Peachy Keeeeeen, Veggietales." (to the tune of the theme song from VeggieTales, for you heathens)

She may never speak to me again because I could not get my laughter under control.

But, really?  Broccoli?

This ballet class is not cheap and you're telling me that my kid is going to be broccoli in the recital?

You know what?  Dancing broccoli could be the beginning of something great in her life.  I shouldn't laugh at it.  I can't wait for the recital.  I was thinking that I was going to try to get out of volunteering in the dressing room, but maybe volunteering in the dressing room is preferable over sitting through all of the food groups expressing themselves through dance, which is what I am thinking the theme MIGHT be.

On second thought, I might still try to avoid that dressing room duty because I might miss the macaroni macarena or the rutabaga rumba.  Oh, and of course, the broccoli ballet.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Diarrhea Song

Warning:  this post is about poop.  Again.  I know.  I'm sorry.  Not really.

I was reading People I Want to Punch in the Throat and was directed to this lovely little site.

Its The Official Diarrhea Song blog.

I only read a few before I had tears running down my face.


That could be a song.

When tears are running down your face
and poop runs out of it's poop place
Diarrhea, Diarrhea

Not my best work, but I'm okay with mediocrity.

But I think if you made it this far into this post, you already knew that.

Now you're singing that song, aren't you?

You're welcome.  Have a great time trying to replace that in your head.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

someone (almost) stole my identity

Last Thursday was Thanksgiving. 

Around 9:30 pm, I got an order confirmation email from Best Buy.

They thanked me for ordering the Complete Fifth Season DVD set of "The Big Bang Theory".

First of all, I did not order anything from Best Buy.

Secondly, I never order DVDs when I can watch reruns for free on TBS.

Thirdly, I think Sheldon is only funny sometimes.  Maybe I'm not smart enough to "get" The Big Bang Theory, but if I was going to order a complete season of something, it would probably be "Duck Dynasty".  That's my new favorite TV show, which has nothing to do with any of this, but if you haven't seen it, you are missing out.

Anyway, when I got the email, I didn't really think those 3 things right away.  What I did think was.......SOMEONE STOLE MY IDENTITY!!!!!!!!!

The email had my name ALISSA FRY, but the address was not mine.  Clearly, a hacker had hijacked my Best Buy account and ordered a $9.95 DVD set as a test before moving on to larger purchases.

So I called the 1-800 number for Best Buy.  Which is actually an 888 number, but whatever.  

Basically, here's what happened:  

There are 2 people named Alissa Fry.  One is me.  The other lives in another state and is not me.

Somehow, the other person placed an order and paid for it, but the email confirmation came to me.

Somehow, customer service at Best Buy could not wrap their heads around this and gave me the run around.  

And put me on hold for over 50 minutes.  Twice.  That's almost 2 hours of my life on hold with Best Buy.  Not how I want to spend my time.  It does rate above having my cellulite shaved off with a cheese grater, but only slightly.  

AND, they gave me the other Alissa Fry's phone number, which is clearly not something they should do.

Because I called the other Alissa Fry.  

Thankfully, she wasn't like "how did you get this number?"   She was cool.  We do share the same name, which must count for something.

The other Alissa Fry confirmed that she did place the order and that she checked her account and had been charged for it.  

She also promised to never steal my identity.  I also promised I would never steal her identity.    

We clearly share high moral values as well as the same first and last names.

There's more to the frustration part of the story, but I will spare you.  Suffice it to say that after 2 plus hours of phone time and one trip to my local store, I was very irritated.  

So I called the 888 number again and complained.  

And guess what?  They are sending me a $100 Best Buy Gift Card.

I hope they send it to me and not the other me.

So then I sent the other me a text and told her she should complain too and see if she can get a gift card. 

So what I'd like to say to Best Buy is..........BAZINGA!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Book Review: A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans

This is my official review of A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans.

I must confess, I came into reading this book with the idea that I would probably like it.  I am a fan of Rachel's blog and so I tried to read it the book at face value and reserve my judgement for after I finished reading.  I received an advanced reader's copy for being part of the launch team for Thomas Nelson Publishers. But just because something is free doesn't mean it's awesome.

Unless it's chips and salsa at a Mexican restaurant.  Because free chips and salsa are awesome at even the worst of Mexican restaurants.

To my delight, I think this book IS pretty awesome.  It finds the balance between being smart, funny, real, and, dare I say it......biblical?

I laughed out loud, which in my book is one of the measures of a good book.  Especially a non-fiction book. 

But it's not the laugh out loud parts that make it worth reading. Rachel Held Evans tackles topics that are important to all women.  It's meaty - and not in a fast food rib sandwich kind of way.  I learned things about the Bible I did not know.  Or maybe I should say I "unlearned" things about the Bible that I thought I knew.

Rachel's discussion of the Proverbs 31 woman particularly stuck with me after finishing the book.  I think many of us live with an underlying sense of guilt about not living up to standards we think the Bible sets for us as women.  Understanding that Proverbs 31 is a poem and not a mandate has been particularly satisfying to my soul.

This is an important book for all of us to read and ponder.  You may not agree with all of Rachel's views, but I think we can all agree that it's a great conversation starter.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

halloween, the day after

Yesterday was Halloween.

Superfrykid was a Sailor Girl.

Not because she wanted to be a Sailor Girl, but because that's the most appropriate costume in her size that was on clearance last year after Halloween.

She put it on last week to make sure it fit, and decided it was itchy.

So we put a shirt and leggings under it.

Then it was too tight.

So I snipped the elastic in the waist.

Then the hat was not right.

So I put it on her head with bobby pins.

Then the hat made her hot.

You get the idea.

Superfrykid was not happy about the costume.  I almost faltered and purchased a $35 piece of crap costume made of flimsy material worth about $1.79.  Then I thought to myself, "Nope. Not doing it.  She's going to wear what I told her to wear or she's not going to dress up."

So Halloween night came.  I prepared myself for battle.
All for naught.  She wore the costume and had a great time.  She would have been happy to wear a garbage bag.  (I know, I'm so mean.  But I should get extra points for using the word "naught" in a sentence, right?)

We stopped to see Great-Grandma (aka "The Don") first.
The Don keeps a small basket of candy on her counter.  On top of the candy, though, is a large ziploc bag of Fig Newtons.  She had to pick up the Fig Newtons to get to the candy, and I could see the look of relief on Superfrykid's face when she was offered candy only and not Fig Newtons.

I was talking to a few of my friends who were handing out candy and we were discussing how much candy is the right amount to give.

For those who are interested, here are my recommended guidelines:
Kingsize Candy Bar            Homemade Costume
2 Handfuls of Candy           Funny or Creative Costume
(even those that slightly miss the mark, like "Reigning Cats and Dogs"-New Girl fan, anyone?)
1 Handful of Candy            Storebought costume for ages 3-12
2 pieces of Candy              Those who clearly made no effort until 2 minutes before leaving
1 piece of Candy               Anyone with a real mustache (male or female)
1 piece of Candy               Babies with no teeth because who are you kidding?
Dots                                 Adults who follow their kids with their own bag.

I must say, I'm glad Halloween is over.  I actually took down my pumpkins and put up my Nativity today.  (Arrangement by SFK)