Sunday, September 4, 2011

observations of a school lunch lady

So I just started my new job as the lunch lady.

It's fascinating work.  I think I should maybe start writing down my observations because I'm pretty sure I could have a best seller here.  Well, if I could write well and could find a publisher and a miracle happened....maybe then I could have a best seller.

Anyway....back to the lunch lady thing.

Basically what I do is stand at a computer, watch the screen as the kids scan their fingers, and hit the space bar after I hear a beep.  It's a really fulfulling job, let me tell you.

There are several of types of kids who come through the line:

1.  Kids I know who will actually speak to me. (One of these happens to be the son of my friend who saved my life with a breast pump.)

2.  Kids I know who pretend they don't know me.  (One of these happens to be the nephew of my brother-in-law, SonofaDutch, who was the originator of the phrase "not getting stabbed is always a plus".)

3.  Kids I feel sorry for because it's clear that middle school is not their friend.

4.  Kids I don't feel sorry for because they look like they should have their own Disney show.

5.  Kids who are just regular kids in middle school.

Most of them fall into category #5, if you're wondering.

Anyway, since the job itself is not the most challenging thing in the world, I decided I would try to make it slightly interesting for myself.

My goal is to say hello to each kid who comes through my line, make them make eye contact with me and try to get them to speak at least one word to me.  It's kind of like a game. 

Point for me if they say hello back.

2 points for me if they smile at me.

Point for me if they say any words at all.

Double points if the words are intelligible.

Triple points for me if it's a complete sentence. 

100 points for me if they say something nice, like, "It's a nice day today, isn't it?" or "I like your earrings."

Point for me if they make eye contact for more than 1 second.

Minus 10 for me if they scan and run before the beep sounds.  This means I then have to search for them after they've retreated into the mob that is called a line so they can come back and re-scan.  It's like finding Waldo...they are all wearing the same shirt and I have no idea which one is which.

Minus 3 for me if they look like they think I'm going to yell at them.

Minus 1 for me if they look annoyed that I said Hello to them.

It might not be what you'd call fun, but it's all I've got at this point.  If I get tired of this one, maybe I will start counting how many hair feathers I see, or how many kids wear shoes that cost more than my car, or how many kids have dirty fingernails.  We'll see.

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