blueberry sausage

This is Superfrykid and the remains of a balloon flower bracelet she received from a clown at the Home Depot last week.  (It's kids day on the first Saturday of the month and they have free projects and fun stuff for kids.) The flower came apart and she said, "Look mom, it's a blueberry sausage!"

That made me laugh.  Hope it makes you laugh too.

Even if your balloon flower bracelet comes apart, at least you still have something.  It's almost like when life hands you lemons, make lemonade, only with clowns, balloons and sausage.

bloggess vs. pioneer woman

I used to read The Pioneer Woman blog all the time.   Then she started getting on my nerves.  She's too popular, too cool, too not-me. Then I stumbled upon Jenny Lawson, who writes at The Bloggess.  She is hilariously funny, but her language is offensive to me.  I starting wishing that my blog was as popular and witty and trendy as their blogs, and it made me think of the similarities, or lack thereof, between them.  


I told myself I need to just accept the fact that KWTF will never be "on their level".  But then after I thought about it, I don't think I want to be like them.  I just want to be like me.  Only skinnier and with whiter teeth. 


Here are some of the thoughts that went through my head.  Please note that I realize that comparing KWTF to these blogs is like comparing my karaoke performance to Alison Krauss or Madonna.  Did you follow me there?  PDub would be Alison Krauss and Jenny Lawson would be Madonna.  I would still just be me.  Singing badly.

PW has a giant ranch with cows.
JL has an office filled with small, taxidermied animals dressed as fictional characters.
KWTF has a very small house (no ranch, no office) and does not like animals.  But likes bacon.

PW's kids get up at the crack of dawn and ride horses.
JL's kid probably sleeps in and pretends to ride unicorns.  (I don't know this for sure, but I'm guessing.)
KWTF's kid still wakes up almost every night even though she is 7 and has 2 pet donkeys.  Donkies? No, I'm pretty sure it's donkeys.

PW makes corn salsa.
JL makes wine slushies.
KWTF makes jam, jelly and occasionally a fire-roasted crayfish.

PW has a cowboy husband who wears chaps and is named Marlboro Man.
JL has a husband who gave her a kitten as an anniversary gift and is named Victor.  
KWTF has a husband who brings home donkeys and four-wheelers and is named Superfrydad.

PW gives away jewelry and her "old" clothes that still have tags on them.
JL gives away copies of her best selling book and occasionally a photo of Wil Wheaton collating paper.
KWTF doesn't give away anything because she is poor and hates to mail things at the post office.

PW has a bassett hound named Charlie.
JL has a cat named Ferris Mewler.
KWTF has a giant bear dog named Woodrow.

PW writes cookbooks and even wrote a kid's book about her dog, Charlie.
JL wrote a New York Times best-selling book, Let's Pretend This Never  Happened.
KWTF writes in a Blue's Clues-esque notebook and also nonsense on a blog that nobody reads.


That's basically all I could think of.  I realize that probably the few people who actually do read my blog will not get this at all, but I'm writing this one for me.  And I get it.  And it made me snort.  Not snort cocaine.  Just snort-laugh.  I don't know how Pioneer Woman and The Bloggess laugh.  I doubt they snort.  PW probably has a high pitched, semi-silent laugh and JL probably hisses/screeches with a honk every now and then.  That's my guess, anyway.  Maybe some night when they are googling their own names, they will come across this and contact me to let me know what their real laugh sounds like. Or to ask me to remove this post.  Either way, I would be totally excited.

Camp

Superfrykid just got back from camp.

This is Superfrykid before we left for camp.

She spent 5 nights and 6 days away from home.

She is 7 years old.

I must admit, I was a little worried.  I worried she would wake up in the middle of the night.  I worried that she would drown in the pool.  I worried that she would break an arm on the bunk beds.  I worried that she would come home with athlete's foot or lice.  I worried that she would feel left out.  I worried that she would get a sunburn.  Pretty much anything you can worry about, I worried about.

However, she had a great time.

Here are the Top Three Things About Camp According to Superfrykid:


3.  The Food.  Way better than your food, mom.  It was really good!


2.  The Skits.  She's been singing and quoting lines that are really funny.  Or so she tells me.


1.  The Pool.  "We swam a couple of times a day, mom.  I only had to take like 2 showers!"


I hope that the pool had lot of chlorine.

Next year, I think I'm just going to send her with one outfit, a bathing suit, one towel, and a toothbrush.  Actually, I take that back.  I'm not sure she used her toothbrush.

not communicating is our love language

You may or may not know this, but Superfrydad does not read this blog.

Therefore, I feel free to gripe share about him.

We recently got donkeys.  No, Jelly has not had her baby yet.

I vaguely mentioned that it was a surprise to me too when he rolled up with 2 donkeys.  Technically, he HAD talked to me about them some time before but as I recall, my response was, "Unless they are free & poop gold, I don't think it's a good idea."

After seeing Superfrykid's face - and also because I'm pretty sure WalMart would not let me return them there even though they will pretty much accept any other return - I decided that instead of having a huge fight or pouting, I would let him have this one.  Point for Superfrydad.

A few days ago, he brought home a mini four-wheeler for Superfrykid.  Without telling me.  Once again, point for Superfrydad because clearly, not telling me anything is his preferred method of communication.  It might even be his love language.

As you can see, she is clearly happy.  And while we're looking at the picture, let me just break down her outfit for you.  Pink bike helmet (yes, we know that a bike helmet is not acceptable, but just be glad she is wearing a helmet, ok?), Tractor Supply shirt with an  American Flag Barn logo, Hello Kitty tiered, ruffled skirt, and sparkly flip-flops.  I'd say she has the whole tom-boy bling look down.  The best part about her new wheels?  "I have my OWN keys, mom!"

So while I really appreciate Superfrydad's spontaneity and love for his daughter, I'm pretty sure if I came home with 2 live animals and a motor vehicle, he would have something to say.  Actually, I take that back.  He probably wouldn't say anything.  Because that's his love language.  Zondervan or whoever published that book about the 5 love languages, call me.  I could write a book about the 6th love language and I would do it way cheaper than the other guy.

Movie Review for Brave

Have you seen the new Pixar movie, "Brave"?

We took Superfrykid to see it on July 4th.  I heard it was good, but I wish I had known a couple of things before I went.

Spoiler alert!  If you have not seen the movie and don't want to know what happens, don't read this.

Like I said, I heard it was good, but I wish I had known a couple of things before I went.  

First of all, I cried through just about the whole thing.  I wish someone had told me to take my tissues.  The movie theatre napkins are hard and not very absorbent.  I have a lot of snot when I cry, ok?

Also, I wish someone would have told me exactly how scary the bears are. Superfrykid freaked out.  I guessed it was going to be scary at one point and put my hand over her eyes.  Thank goodness I did because just the sound of it made her cry into my shoulder and not want to look back up when it was over.  Plugged In, from Focus on the Family, mentions that it may well spark a nightmare or two for sensitive, younger kids.  

I guess that means I'm a sensitive, younger kid because those bears were scary.  And it's not just one small part.  There are 2 main scenes that are quite scary.  It does earn the PG rating.

All in all, I did really like the movie. It's funny, endearing and the mother-daughter relationship is a big part of the movie, which is why it made me cry.

Also, Superfrykid leaned over and whispered something to me along the lines of, "I don't have to wish you turned into a bear, mom, 'cause you already are a bear.  You're mean like a bear all the time."

Thank you.  Thank you very much.

Mean like a bear is the type of mother I've been going for.

  

Happy 4th of July

I love 4th of July.   I like all things patriotic and I really love fireworks.

Part of being an American is having the opportunity to fulfill your hopes and dreams in the land of freedom.

Here are some hopes I have for you for the 4th of July:

Hope your hot dogs don't burn.  Too much.  I like a little black.  Otherwise they look like they are naked or raw or something gross like that.  So I guess I should say, I hope your hot dogs don't catch on fire.  That's too much.  But if you're not going to char them a little, why not just eat them straight out of the package and save yourself some propane?

Hope your illegal fireworks do not land on top of your roof and burn down your house.

Hope the bananas on your flag inspired fruit kabobs that you saw on Pinterest don't turn brown.

Hope you don't have to pee while you sit in post-firework traffic for 2 hours.

Hope your jean capris are clean and make your butt look good.  And your white t-shirt does not have armpit stains.  And that you have a pair of red flip flops or something to complete your red, white and blue look.

Hope the fireworks you bought are not duds.  Sometimes the packages make them seem like they are super cool and all they really are are sparklers in a cardboard container.

Hope your kid doesn't throw a sparkler into the yard and then you accidently step on it with your bare feet while trying to find it after it goes out. Those things stay hot for a minute, let me tell you.

Hope your deviled eggs taste good and that you don't run out of paprika.  You can't have deviled eggs without paprika.  Although I hate eggs, so I don't really care.  But they just make me think of July 4th, so I thought I'd throw that in there for those of you who like to eat things that smell like butt rotten.

But in all seriousness, Happy 4th of July!
Hope you take a moment  to be thankful for the freedoms we enjoy as citizens of the United States of America!

Dora

If you have a small child, you likely have watched at least 500 episodes of Dora the Explorer.

Saw this on Rachel Held Evans and it made me laugh.

Here are my thoughts about Dora:

1.  She shares her first name with my mother-in-law.  When Superfrykid realized that her grandmother's real name was Dora, her eyes got REALLY big.  She thought we were kidding.

2.  Dora is annoying, but if my toddler watches the TV and gives me 20 minutes to take a shower, I'd say that is something that I can overlook.

3.  Dora is better than a lot of other annoying cartoons.  Think about it:  Maisy, Oobie, and Caillou are WAY more annoying.  AND, they are also kind of creepy.  That alligator on Maisy is nightmarish, Oobie is somebody's hand and who knows where that's been, and if Caillou were real, I would be uncomfortable around him.

Happy July 3rd.  Sorry this wasn't patriotic.  Maybe between now and tomorrow I will find something patriotic to post.  Or not.  Maybe I'll just be being patriotic instead of blogging about it.  We'll see.