Thursday, December 15, 2011

don't hate me because I'm...

If writing it down on paper, or online dating service, many people would use the phrase "animal lover" to describe themselves.

I am not one of those people. 

I mean, I'm not either of those...not an online dating service applicant NOR an animal lover.  I'm pretty sure if you say you are an animal hater that you wouldn't get picked for very many dates, no matter how fake your picture is.

Anyway....this post is NOT about online dating services.  It's about my lack of being an animal lover.

My problem is that I just don't know how to say it. 

If I say, "I'm an animal hater," it makes people want to throw red paint on me whether or not I am wearing fur.  (Which I do not, by the way.  But not b/c I feel sorry for animals, I'm just more of a WalMart shopper.)

So "animal hater" is out.  "Animal unlover" doesn't sound right either.

I don't hate animals.  I just don't love them.  I don't even like them, most of the time. 

I respect animals.  I think they should be fed/watered and taken care of properly.  I am thankful for animals that provide food and materials that I use every day. 

But I don't think animals are people.

I think sometimes people treat their animals better than they treat other people, which makes me sad and kind of angry.  When did this happen in our society?

Here's why I don't like animals very much:
1.  They can bite.  It only takes one time.
2.  They can destroy your stuff.  I kind of like my couch unclawed & my shoes unchewed.
3.  They stink.  I don't care how many baths you give them or how clean your house is - I can smell it.
4.  They require a lot of money, time and effort to maintain properly.   I am cheap and fairly lazy.
5.  You never know where their butts have been.  On your pillow while you were at work or on the couch where you just picked up a dropped cookie.  Ew.

Now, lest you think I'm a horrible person and have no heart whatsover.....

Here's what I DO like about animals:
1.  They provide food.   I like bacon, what can I say?
2.  They provide leather.  I like my sneakers to not be plastic.
3.  They provide protection.  My dog is scary and looks like a bear.  I give him credit for our house never being broken into.
4.  They are sometimes funny and cute.  "Sometimes" is the key word hereAFV has WAY too many unfunny videos.  However, there are exceptions to funny and cute.  Have you seen the pig in boots?
5.  They provide transportation.  I was kind of grasping at straws here on this last one, but I'm sure if I lived in a remote village somewhere I would be very happy to have a water buffalo or a camel.

And if that list wasn't enough to make you not hate me, here's something that I hope helps you hate me less:  I feel sorry for the animals at the zoo.  For real. 
And don't get me wrong, I have had my fair share of pets during my lifetime.  Here's a list of animals I've owned in my life:  cows, goats, dogs, cats, guineas, and a chinchilla named Garth.   Yes, you heard me correctly.  A chinchilla lived inside my house.  No, I don't know what possessed me to say yes to that.  And guineas.  Raise your hand if you've ever had a guinea as a pet.  I'd say not very many of you are raising your hand.  Probably not very many of  you even know what a guinea is.  But that's ok, you can still feel superior since you are an animal lover and I am not.

So there, I've said it.  I don't really like animals. 

In my experience, I've only met one other person who is on the same page as me when it comes to animals.   Actually, there are 2.  One is my husband.  The other is my friend, who will remain unnamed because he/she may or may not have once lifted another friend's very small dog into an SUV by the leash so that he/she did  not have to touch the dog.  And that is why we are friends, because he/she knew that I would totally understand and would never say a word about it.  Except on my blog to my millions of minions 21 followers, including myself and one of my friends who somehow followed me twice, so really it's 19 plus any lurkers.


  1. Geez you would freaking hate my I am an unabashed animal LOVER. But I respect completely your right to be an animal unlover. My husband, who grew up on a farm complete with cows and the whole nine yards, was once an animal unlover. It's taken me twelve years, but I've converted him. He'll never admit it, but I know a certain cat who slept on him last night. :)

  2. And,by the way, I just discovered that I am the friend who followed you twice. Not sure how I did that....what can I say? I'm obsessed. I'm an AVID follower. :)

  3. My favorite blog post ever! And shame, shame, shame on your friend who picked that poor tiny defenseless dog up by it's leash ;)