bloggess vs. pioneer woman

I used to read The Pioneer Woman blog all the time.   Then she started getting on my nerves.  She's too popular, too cool, too not-me. Then I stumbled upon Jenny Lawson, who writes at The Bloggess.  She is hilariously funny, but her language is offensive to me.  I starting wishing that my blog was as popular and witty and trendy as their blogs, and it made me think of the similarities, or lack thereof, between them.  


I told myself I need to just accept the fact that KWTF will never be "on their level".  But then after I thought about it, I don't think I want to be like them.  I just want to be like me.  Only skinnier and with whiter teeth. 


Here are some of the thoughts that went through my head.  Please note that I realize that comparing KWTF to these blogs is like comparing my karaoke performance to Alison Krauss or Madonna.  Did you follow me there?  PDub would be Alison Krauss and Jenny Lawson would be Madonna.  I would still just be me.  Singing badly.

PW has a giant ranch with cows.
JL has an office filled with small, taxidermied animals dressed as fictional characters.
KWTF has a very small house (no ranch, no office) and does not like animals.  But likes bacon.

PW's kids get up at the crack of dawn and ride horses.
JL's kid probably sleeps in and pretends to ride unicorns.  (I don't know this for sure, but I'm guessing.)
KWTF's kid still wakes up almost every night even though she is 7 and has 2 pet donkeys.  Donkies? No, I'm pretty sure it's donkeys.

PW makes corn salsa.
JL makes wine slushies.
KWTF makes jam, jelly and occasionally a fire-roasted crayfish.

PW has a cowboy husband who wears chaps and is named Marlboro Man.
JL has a husband who gave her a kitten as an anniversary gift and is named Victor.  
KWTF has a husband who brings home donkeys and four-wheelers and is named Superfrydad.

PW gives away jewelry and her "old" clothes that still have tags on them.
JL gives away copies of her best selling book and occasionally a photo of Wil Wheaton collating paper.
KWTF doesn't give away anything because she is poor and hates to mail things at the post office.

PW has a bassett hound named Charlie.
JL has a cat named Ferris Mewler.
KWTF has a giant bear dog named Woodrow.

PW writes cookbooks and even wrote a kid's book about her dog, Charlie.
JL wrote a New York Times best-selling book, Let's Pretend This Never  Happened.
KWTF writes in a Blue's Clues-esque notebook and also nonsense on a blog that nobody reads.


That's basically all I could think of.  I realize that probably the few people who actually do read my blog will not get this at all, but I'm writing this one for me.  And I get it.  And it made me snort.  Not snort cocaine.  Just snort-laugh.  I don't know how Pioneer Woman and The Bloggess laugh.  I doubt they snort.  PW probably has a high pitched, semi-silent laugh and JL probably hisses/screeches with a honk every now and then.  That's my guess, anyway.  Maybe some night when they are googling their own names, they will come across this and contact me to let me know what their real laugh sounds like. Or to ask me to remove this post.  Either way, I would be totally excited.