Saturday, January 4, 2014

New Year, Same Old Me

It's 2014.

Or twenty fart-een, as I've been calling it in my head.  Sorry.  You can't unthink it. And when you accidentally say it out loud in a public place, just pretend you said fourteen and not farteen.

I don't make New Year's Resolutions.  Mainly because I know I won't keep them and I try not to lie to myself.

I did tell Superfrykid we were going to eat healthier and handed her a banana.  She replied that maybe our New Year's resolution should be to eat only junk food and then maybe we would eat healthy food instead since nobody ever keeps their resolutions. She does kind of have a point.  But then again, I think she wanted to see if I would let her eat a bowl of Skittles covered in root beer for breakfast.

However, this IS a new year.  And I guess a new year deserves some consideration.

So IF I made New Year's Resolutions, this is what they would be.....  Wait, let me clarify.  I will make 3 lists. One list of resolutions that sound good, but we all know they will never happen.  Let's call those Flying Pig Resolutions.  A second list of resolutions that I'd like to keep but know that I probably won't.  Let's call those Road to Hell Resolutions (as in I have lots of good intentions and we all know those are what pave that road).  And finally a list of resolutions that I know I will keep.  I can't think of a clever name for that list.  We'll just call it List #3.

List #1  Flying Pig Resolutions (resolutions that sound good, but we all know they'll never happen)
1.  Lose 50 pounds.  Let's be honest.  While I need to do this, pigs are truly likely to fly before it happens.  Which makes me think of bacon.  You see my dilemma here.  

2.  Remove myself from Facebook.  Who would I be jealous of?  How would I keep track of birthdays?  How would I feel terrible about myself by comparing myself to everyone and gauging my worth based on the number of likes my latest picture garnered?

3.  Stop shopping at WalMart.  Where else can you buy bullets, a TV and milk all at the same time?  I say I'm going to stop, but I never do.

List #2  Road to Hell Resolutions (resolutions that I have good intentions of keeping, but know I won't)
1.  Eat healthier.  I did order a salad instead of a burger/fries at Red Robin today. However, I ate 1/4 of a frozen pizza for dinner.  And some skittles. And there are some salt and vinegar chips out there in the kitchen calling to me right now.  I am typing super fast so I can go get some.

2.  Exercise more.  I know I need to move my body.  Even just walking would be better than sitting on the couch.  But it's hard to walk and eat salt & vinegar chips at the same time.

3.  Watch less TV.  Specifically, any show on Bravo.  Did you see the Underground Railroad clip on RHOA?  Why do I waste my time on this stupidity?  But we all know that I will continue to watch it, so there's no need to lie to myself.  

List #3  (resolutions I know I can keep)
1.  Be a woman.  I have no plans to be anything else.  In case you were wondering. And if you were wondering, don't tell me.  Because that would hurt my feelings. But if you have the balls to say that to my face, then you are clearly a man.  Or at least a woman who has had some significant surgeries.

2.  Not pierce my nipples.  Earlier today I was unpacking my suitcase from a trip to my sister's house.  I was leaning down and accidentally zipped my boob in the suitcase.  I had taken off my bra, so there was nothing there to protect me.  It really hurt. Like, super bad.  So.....I'm pretty sure nipple piercing is out for me.  And, yes, that is totally true.  And yes, I know that is TMI, but you know you are laughing.

3.  Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line.  This is actually a quote from the movie The Princess Bride.  I couldn't really think of anything else funny and I'm pretty sure you're still laughing about #2.  Unless you were revolted and stopped reading already.  Either way, Happy New Year.

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