why in the world wonders

Why do nicknames not make sense sometimes?

There are a lot of these nicknames and they really bother me.  They make no sense at all.  I wonder why in the world anyone would come up with them.  Hence, my post title, why in the world wonders.  It kind of sounds like a Jeopardy category, doesn't it?

I'll take Why in the World Wonders for $400, Alex.

The nickname for William that makes no sense.....Bill.

The nickname for Margaret that is really off base....Peggy

The nickname for Richard that nobody wants....Dick

The nickname for Henry that is pointless b/c it's not any shorter and contains 3 of the same letters....Harry

I'm all for a nickname that makes sense and makes your life easier. 

If your name is Alexander, by all means, go with Alex.
If your name is Christopher, by all means, go with Chris.
If your name is Jennifer, by all means, go with Jen.
If your name is Humperdinck, by all means.....change your legal name because your choices are not good.  Not good at all.

baptism cannonball - is that a faux pas?

Superfrykid got baptized yesterday.  It was a big deal for her.  She was SO excited. 

5 people were getting baptized.  She was first.  The pastor stepped into the baptistry first and she waited on the stairs while he was giving his introduction.  I went over to the opposite side so I could take a picture.

This meant that she was standing there by herself practically jumping up and down while the pastor was talking.  I thought she was just going to cannonball into the water. 

Which led me to wonder if cannonballing into the baptistry is a faux pas?

I guess it depends on the kind of church you go to.

I'm not sure if that would be frowned upon in ours or not, but I'm sure there would be giggles.

I guess some people would say that it depends on "the heart" behind the cannonball. 

The Bible is silent on baptism cannonballs, but here's are my theories:

If you are cannonballing in b/c you are so happy to proclaim your love for God, then I think it could be ok.

If you are cannonballing in b/c you like to show off and you aren't taking it seriously, then that's not cool.

In all seriousness, it was a great day and I am so proud of my daughter.  (and also relieved that she did not cannonball)

QVC

I watch QVC.  Kind of a lot.  More than the average person does, probably.

I generally do not purchase things from QVC.  (WalMart aka the Ghetto of the Twilight Zone is always cheaper.)

As I said, I generally do not purchase items from QVC, but I have ordered a few things.  I don't really watch it for the items.  I just like to watch it because I don't have to think.  It's kind of like having company at your house only you can wear your ratty old sweatpants and they don't care.

It all started when I had my first child.  I was up at all hours of the night and there are a few hours during the night when there is literally NOTHING on TV.  Even if there might be something halfway decent on at 3:30 am, it's sure to be a rerun of whatever I just watched at 11:30 pm.  So I turned to QVC. 

In my past life (the one where I had no children, was skinny, and was in my twenties), I would have ridiculed those who watched QVC.  Now, this chubby mom in her 30's is addicted to QVC. 

I often wonder how this happened.  (Not the becoming a mom part or the chubby part or the older part - I do know how all of those things happened.)

How can I really have any self-esteem if I am so easily amused? 

Not sure why I'm putting this out there, but I guess the first step to recovery is admitting I have a problem.

pretty

We've already discussed the phrase "to death" here at KetchupwiththeFrys.

Today, I'd like to discuss the word "pretty". 

"How are you?  Pretty good."
"You just came pretty close to cutting off your arm."

You get the idea. 

Why don't we use the word "ugly" in the same way?

"How are you?  Ugly bad."
"You just came ugly close to cutting off your arm." 

It sounds like something people from Boston would say, kind of like "wicked".  

But if you said "ugly" instead of "wicked", you would sound less......Bostonish?  Bostonian?  Evil?  Not sure of the right word here.

Anyway...."pretty" is one of my pet peeves.  If you say "I'm pretty good.", it sounds like you think you are awesome and cute and makes me want to roll my eyes at you.  I say it all the time and I roll my eyes at myself, because pretty and good would not be at the top of the list of words I'd use to describe myself.  More like chunky and snarky. 

Maybe when people ask how I'm doing, instead of saying "pretty good", I'll say "chunky snarky".

eating crow with cheese on top

Remember the fight over cheese slices?

We had promised to never mention it again.

Saturday morning, I got up and decided to be nice and make breakfast for my family.  I started frying some bacon and then started on the pancake mix.  I measured the Bisquick and the milk into the bowl and then reached into the fridge for the eggs.  I couldn't find my eggs.

I had just purchased eggs on my trip to the Ghetto of the Twilight Zone aka Walmart, so I knew the eggs were in the fridge.  I moved things around and they were nowhere to be found. 

I asked Superfry dad if, perchance, he happened to have made a 12 egg omelet when I wasn't watching.

He gave me a look and responded that he did not, in fact, make a giant omelet nor use the eggs for any other purpose.

I asked him to look in the fridge and see if he could find the eggs that I KNEW I had just purchased.  He did, and did not see them.

He offered to go get some eggs.  Such a nice hubby.

Superfrydad:  "Do you want me to go to the "localstorename" store or do you want me to go to Food Lion?"

Me:  (hissing)  "yesssssss...GO TO THE LOCAL STORE!"

I ate my crow with cheese slices on top.

After he returned with the eggs, I proceeded to finish the pancakes and we had a nice breakfast.

As I was putting away the butter, guess what I found?

A brand new carton of eggs in the deli drawer.

He never said a word.

He's a keeper.

square dancing at Waffle House

This is a true story.

Once upon a time, we and some friends of ours had particularly difficult evening and were forced to end it at the only place open at that late hour.  Waffle House.

What does one do at Waffle House? (Is it just "Waffle House" or "The Waffle House?"  It seems if you say "THE Waffle House", it's a little snooty, don't you think?)

Anyway.....


That's what we were trying to do. Just have some waffles at Waffle House.  However, we couldn't help but notice that a group of older people came in and they were dressed in crazy toddlerandtiarasdressesforoldpeople the finest square dancing outfits ever.  I'm talking square dancing dresses that are like tutus.

Somehow, a conversation began.

It ended with 20-somethings square dancing with 70-somethings in Waffle House at approximately 2 am.

If you need to have a good laugh, maybe you should hang out with square dancers.  They don't have to be clever or interesting people who can carry on a great conversation.  Just being with them and looking at their outfits will cheer you up instantly.

Better yet, ask them to show you some square dancing moves in the middle of a restaurant.

It may or may not have been one of the best moments of my life.  After all of the stuff you're supposed to say like, meeting my husband or giving birth to my children.  It might not be in the top 10, but it's probably in the top 20.  Does that make me dorky?  I'll have to check my dork-o-meter.

fartner

Ok, so if you don't like the word "fart", stop reading now. 

When I was a kid, we were not allowed to say this word. 

It bothers me to hear other people say it.

However, to my shame, it's a word that can usually make me laugh.

I was talking to Superfrykid and she was telling me about something at school and she accidently said "fartner" instead of "partner".

For some reason, this struck me as hilariously funny.  fartner.

So I couldn't help myself:
"Those two are fartners in crime."
"Dancing with the Stars called and I need to find a good dance fartner."
"Will you be my science lab fartner?"
"Howdy, fartner!"
"Wanna go square dancing?  I am a great square dance fartner."
"My grandfather was the founding fartner of this business.
"My true love, my soulmate, my fartner for life."

I'm not sure I can ever say the word "partner" again without snorting.

points for me

So as I mentioned, I am now a professional Lunch Lady, and today was a very special day.

It was Beefaroni Day.

That's not why it was special, but I just thought you might be wondering what was for lunch.  You probably think I'm lying about the Beefaroni to try and be funny, but no, it really was Beefaroni.

Like I said, today was a very special day because it was the first official after school dance of the year.  I am kind of fascinated by how many kids seemed genuinely excited about it. 

A few of them were even practicing their dance moves in the lunch line. 

Points for me.

I'm not sure how many points I should get for this, but here's how it went:  I see a few of the kids dancing a little while they are waiting in line so I ask them if they are practicing for tonight's dance.  They say yes.  Point for a response.  Then they proceed to break it down and bust out their best moves. 

It was my best day at work so far this year.

One, they spoke to me.  Two, the dance moves were fabulous.  Three, I did not laugh. 

Here's what I think the points breakdown should be:
+1 They spoke words to me that were coherent. 
+100  They gave a spontaneous sampling of their best dance moves.
+1,000,000 I DID NOT LAUGH - I kept it together and nodded approvingly. 

I love my job.

observations of a school lunch lady

So I just started my new job as the lunch lady.

It's fascinating work.  I think I should maybe start writing down my observations because I'm pretty sure I could have a best seller here.  Well, if I could write well and could find a publisher and a miracle happened....maybe then I could have a best seller.

Anyway....back to the lunch lady thing.

Basically what I do is stand at a computer, watch the screen as the kids scan their fingers, and hit the space bar after I hear a beep.  It's a really fulfulling job, let me tell you.

There are several of types of kids who come through the line:

1.  Kids I know who will actually speak to me. (One of these happens to be the son of my friend who saved my life with a breast pump.)

2.  Kids I know who pretend they don't know me.  (One of these happens to be the nephew of my brother-in-law, SonofaDutch, who was the originator of the phrase "not getting stabbed is always a plus".)

3.  Kids I feel sorry for because it's clear that middle school is not their friend.

4.  Kids I don't feel sorry for because they look like they should have their own Disney show.

5.  Kids who are just regular kids in middle school.

Most of them fall into category #5, if you're wondering.

Anyway, since the job itself is not the most challenging thing in the world, I decided I would try to make it slightly interesting for myself.

My goal is to say hello to each kid who comes through my line, make them make eye contact with me and try to get them to speak at least one word to me.  It's kind of like a game. 

Point for me if they say hello back.

2 points for me if they smile at me.

Point for me if they say any words at all.

Double points if the words are intelligible.

Triple points for me if it's a complete sentence. 

100 points for me if they say something nice, like, "It's a nice day today, isn't it?" or "I like your earrings."

Point for me if they make eye contact for more than 1 second.

Minus 10 for me if they scan and run before the beep sounds.  This means I then have to search for them after they've retreated into the mob that is called a line so they can come back and re-scan.  It's like finding Waldo...they are all wearing the same shirt and I have no idea which one is which.

Minus 3 for me if they look like they think I'm going to yell at them.

Minus 1 for me if they look annoyed that I said Hello to them.

It might not be what you'd call fun, but it's all I've got at this point.  If I get tired of this one, maybe I will start counting how many hair feathers I see, or how many kids wear shoes that cost more than my car, or how many kids have dirty fingernails.  We'll see.

a fight over cheese slices

Tomorrow we are having a birthday party for Superfrykid, who turned 7 on Friday.  We will be having hotdogs and hamburgers.  I mentioned that I went to WalMart (aka the Ghetto of the Twilight Zone) and I purchased all of the party fodder.

As I mentioned in my other post, I forgot my list.

I forgot to get cheese for the hamburgers. 

This morning my husband asked me if I needed him to pick up anything.  I told him to please get a 24 pack of sliced cheese.

I returned home to find this:

Cheese?  Check
Sliced Cheese? Check
24 Slices?  Check

What you can't see is the price tag.




He purchased the cheese at our local store, which I happen to never go to for 2 reasons: 
#1  It's too expensive
#2 You smell like a sub when you come out (not a yellow submarine kind of sub, a sub sandwich kind of sub)

Guess how much they were.

That's right.  $3.55 EACH

That's $11.29, including tax for 24 slices of cheese. 

For some reason, this REALLY irked me.

We cannot afford to pay $11.29 for 3 packs of sliced cheese.  Maybe this is the difference between men and women.

A woman would never pay $3.55 for an 8 pack of cheese unless her car was broken down, she had no cell phone, and she had 8 starving children to feed with no other means to care for them but to buy the cheese that should be layered in gold. 

The thing that really burns me is that he was RIGHT BESIDE WalMart today replacing water heater elements for someone.  He hates to go into WalMart, which I understand.  However, he could have easily come home a different route, and he would have passed a Food Lion.  I'm pretty sure Food Lion has sliced cheese.  In packs of 24, no less.

So right now, he is downstairs pouting because I told him to NEVER EVER buy anything there unless I specifically ask him to go there in an emergency.  Apparently, that was offensive to his ears.

Which makes me wonder, how have we gotten through 17 years of marriage if 3 little packages of sliced cheese can cause a fight?

WalMart, or as I like to call it, the Ghetto of the Twilight Zone

I like to make lists.  I make to do lists and grocery lists and lists of ideas and lists of lists to make.

Then I lose them.

I can never find a list when I need it.  Somehow, between my house, the car and WalMart, my list disappears into thin air.  I can dig in my purse for 10 minutes and the list is nowhere to be found.  Finally I convince myself I must have left the list on the counter at home and go into battle go into WalMart without a plan. 

I emerge from battle walk out of WalMart $183 later. 

Then when I get my keys out of my purse, I find the list of the 5 things I needed.  3 of them did not get purchased.  1 of the 3 is toilet paper.

Diarrhea is sure to hit our house tomorrow if I do not go back in and get it.  However, I just spent $183 and I don't want to go back into the ghetto back into WalMart.  And it's 90 degrees outside and I bought popsicles.  They're the Great Value kind, not the expensive ones, but still....Time is of the essence here to get my groceries home and everyone knows you can't just run into WalMart "real quick".

I think the doors to WalMart are actually portals to the Ghetto of the Twilight Zone.  Time is not the same inside the GOTTZ (GhettoOfTheTwilightZone) as it is outside.  You can go in for one item and it still takes you 20 minutes to get out of there. 

Also, people change when they enter GOTTZ.  You suddenly feel the urge to purchase jeggings or a World's Greatest Dad Tshirt or a giant tub of onion pretzels.  You wonder why you feel overdressed even though you're wearing jeans and a t-shirt.  Everyone else seems to be in pajamas or a hospital gown.  Your Payless flip flops seem like Christian Louboutins compared to the footwear seen here.  In GOTTZ, 60% of people wear bedroom slippers, 5% have no shoes, and the rest are in boots with fur.  Mind you, it's 90 degrees outside. 

I'm not saying WalMart is bad.  I'm just saying that you shouldn't forget your list.  Because then you get sucked in and end up buying things that you don't need, like beef jerky, and forget the things you do need, like toilet paper.

If diarrhea hits us tomorrow, at least we'll have popsicles.