Heaven is not Gluten Free

Today is Mother's Day.
I'm not a fan.

It's equal parts happy and sad for me. 

Actually, it's probably more happy, but the sad part is like biting into a surprise onion in your cheese pizza. 

You didn't ask for onion, you don't like onion, but you got a little piece anyway. 

Sure, you can spit it out, but the taste lingers and even makes you not really want to take another bite in case there is another onion hiding somewhere.  If an onion is really transparent and small, it can be tricky to dig out from the cheese without destroying the good part of the pizza.  Seems weird to compare Mother's Day to hidden onions in pizza, but I'm a picky fat girl, so that's what comes to mind.

Thinking about the happy and the sad intertwined made me think of the parable of the wheat.  Not the parable of the sower.  The wheat.  You know, the one where the wheat and the tares grow together but the farmer can't pull up the tares without destroying the wheat?  Then at the harvest, the tares get burned and the wheat is gathered into the barn? You can read it for yourself here. 

So the parable starts out "The kingdom of heaven is like"....I kind of always thought of "the kingdom of heaven" as the longer and more proper version of "heaven".  Like, "The United States of America", versus "America". 

So what IS the kingdom of heaven like?

My brain starts to think of things like, who will be my mansion neighbor?
Or, I wonder if the line to talk to God will be super long?  Like, should I go ahead and stand in line as soon as I get there, or just wait til it goes down some? And if my mansion neighbor is someone I don't really like, can I move to another block?  I'm kidding.  Sort of. 

My grasp of heaven is less seeing in a mirror, dimly, and more squinting at one of those paintings that everyone else sees as a face, but I only see dots.

But back to the parable of the wheat.  While the overarching meaning is clear, I think it can also be seen as a parable about the heart.  Joy and pain grow together sometimes and you can't just yank up the pain and throw it out without destroying the joy in the process.  Someday, that pain will be destroyed and only the joy will remain.  But not while you're still in the growing phase. 

So maybe my mansion will have a barn out back full of wheat.
I guess nobody in heaven will be gluten free, right? 

If that's true, does that mean the definition of hell is to be gluten free?  That's a post for another day.

May we be able to enjoy non-cauliflower crust pizza with no onions in glory someday.

Also, I did have special, full of gluten, Mother's Day pancakes this morning, so maybe this is heaven on earth. Pancakes, combined with living in WV, are probably as close as I will get to heaven this side of death.  Country roads, take me home. 

Pancakes courtesy of Superfrydad.  Glass of milk by Superfrykid.

COVID-19 thoughts and QUIZ

We are currently in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic.

It's possible that we are not in the midst of the pandemic.  Who knows if this is really the middle part or not?  It's likely still the beginning.  Possibly the beginning of the end.  Whatever it is, there's not much any of us can do about it, except hunker down (any Leslie Jordan fans out there?) and make the best of it.

I thought I'd make a little quiz.

For each "YES" answer, give yourself one point.

During this time, have you:

1.  Completed a jigsaw puzzle

2.  Tried a new recipe

3.  Watched Tiger King (bonus point if you've sent a TK meme to a friend)

4.  Quoted a statistic regarding COVID-19 in conversation

5.  Received a delivery of groceries or take out food

6.  Worn the same pair of yoga or pajama pants for more than 2 days in a row

7.  Cut your bangs

8.  Had a change in employment status (laid off, work from home, schedule change)

9.  Said the phrase "social distancing" more than 25 times

10.  Worn a "makeshift" type of mask e.g., a bandana or a clear cooking pot lid encased in a hoodie

11.  Worn "makeshift" gloves e.g., a ziploc baggie, winter gloves, or long shirt sleeve

12.  Cleaned out a closet

13.  Attended a zoom meeting

14.  Read a book

15.  Learned a Tik Tok dance

16.  Stood outside of a family or friend's house

17.  Counted how many rolls of toilet paper you have

18.  Had a telehealth appointment

19.  Canceled or postponed a major celebration or event (vacation, wedding, baby shower, graduation party)

20.  Wiped down your groceries with Clorox wipes

Scores:

1-5:  What planet are you living on?

6-18:  You're pretty average

19-21:  Did Carole Baskin kill her husband? 

Walmart Grocery Pickup

Walmart Grocery Pickup.

Genius or Lazy?

I suppose one could argue either way, but I lean more towards genius.  

Every genius has her own eccentricities, I suppose.  

For example, Einstein had crazy hair and nobody seemed to care.  

I go to work on a day when my electric was out at home and 3 people ask me if I'm sick.  

No, I'm not sick.  I just didn't wash my hair this morning.  

Apparently, no one thinks my crazy hair is due to genius tendencies and therefore, any aberration indicates that I may be unwell or perhaps contagious.  

But back to Walmart Grocery Pickup.

I have been using this service for several months now, on an almost weekly basis.  

I like it because I only buy the items that I need with no temptation of impulse purchases.  

Impulse purchases at Walmart can be dangerous.  You could potentially walk out with a fishing boat and not bat an eye until you get out to the parking lot and it won't fit into your trunk.

I also like pickup service because I don't have to actually get out of my car and walk inside Walmart.  I can wear my pajamas like a real Walmart shopper and nobody will see me.  

I picked up an order earlier today.  I waited only a few minutes and my groceries were brought out by a gentleman I'll call Mr. M. 

Mr. M walks out, pulling my groceries behind him.
I put my window down.

Me:  Hi, how are you?
Mr. M:  I am blessed in the name of Jesus, thank you.  I have an order here for Fry?
Me:  Yes

Mr. M puts my groceries in the trunk.

Me:  Thank you, have a good day.
Mr. M:  Thank you, drive safe in the name of Jesus. 

I can only conclude 2 things from this.
1.  Mr. M is trying to one up Chik-fil-A
2.  Mr. M is an angel

Here are my thoughts:

1. One Upper Theory:  Mr. M could be trying to bring Walmart Grocery Pickup up to the level of service provided by Chik-fil-A.  "Drive safe in the name of Jesus" isn't as concise as "my pleasure", but it does offer a divine covering that I, for one, will not reject.

2. Angel Theory:  Mr. M could be an angel.  His face and head were covered, so I couldn't really see what he looked like.  Maybe he knows that I am not the best driver in the world.  Maybe he knows I needed that blessing to make it home safely.  Avoiding a minor fender bender is great.  Avoiding having to get out of my car in my pajamas to exchange insurance information is even better. 

Either way, my benediction from Mr. M came as a surprise today. 
I receive it with a grateful heart.

The Best Mother's Day Gift

Today is Mother's Day.

Superfrydad & Superfrykid took me out to dinner last night.  I chose Cracker Barrel, because Superfrydad doesn't like it and so we never go there as a family.  Also, I am an 80 year old on the inside.  Today we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2, which was surprisingly funny and made me cry at the end. Like lump in my throat cry.  Tears pouring down my face cry.  Sniffling and wiping my nose cry.  And the music and 80's references are pretty good.

Anyway.

This post is about what I gave my mom for Mother's Day.

I gave her the greatest gift a mother can receive.

I gave her the keys to the karma bus and she ran me down with it.

Mom came over for breakfast, and Superfrykid asked to play a game of Sorry. Grandmothers cannot say no to their grandchildren, so down on the floor went our butts to play a game that is second only to Uno in terms of making people mad at each other.

Anybody else hate the look of the new Sorry game?  The classic one is way better.

During the game, I strategically played my cards and Superfrykid happened to be in the way a couple of times.
Being 12, she acted like a toddler about it.
Being 41, I also acted like a toddler about it and whacked her game piece off the board if I happened to get a Sorry card.  And I said "Waaah" like a ninja when I did it.

Superfrykid tried to cheat, I called her out on it.
Superfrykid can't shuffle, I offered to shuffle and was rebuffed with an "I can DO it!"

I happened to be removing the nail polish from my toes.
Superfrykid complained about the smell and that my foot was "in her face."
In my head, I replied with, "I'm about to put my foot up your butt", but instead, I opted for the response of a mature mother and wiggled my toes at her in defiance and made a face at her.
Basically, the game was us picking at each other like my sister & I used to do when we were kids.

Mom won and Superfrykid was putting the game away.  She came in last, btw. Incidentally, my mom has won every single game of Scrabble we have ever played. Every. Single. Game.

Anyway, there are 2 indentations in the plastic.
One shaped like a deck of cards, and a larger one for the game pieces.

Superfrykid jammed all of the game pieces into the card slot, and I reached over and moved the pieces over so she could put the cards in the correct slot.
She moved them back.
I said, "The pieces go there and the cards go in the one shaped like a deck of cards."

I did not say it in the gentle manner of a mother who is teaching her child the ways of board game clean up. It was more like how one might say it when adding "moron" to the end, like this:

"......& the cards go in the one shaped like a deck of cards, moron."

Except I didn't say moron, because if one diagrammed that sentence, the moron would be understood.  "....& the cards go in the one shaped like a deck of cards (moron)."

She said, "No! THIS is the way it goes."
I rolled my eyes and let her do it the wrong way.
Which clearly was the high road, ending the dispute in a noble way.

My mother laughed and laughed.
She said, "Karma!", with a glee that only a mother who just backed over her first born with the karma bus can.

So there you have it.
The best gift for Mother's Day is not flowers, candy, jewelry, or even a handmade card.
The best gift you can give your mom for Mother's Day is to accept the fact that when she said, "One day your kids will act just like you, " she was right.

So my suggestion for all of you young moms out there is this:  go ahead and buy a nice key chain to put the karma bus key on.  At some point, you'll need it to hand it over to your mother so she can flatten you, reverse and hit you again, and then drive off yelling out the window, "I told you so!"

Country Mouse, City Mouse

Anybody remember this book?

I grew up in the country.

When I was a kid, I wished I lived in a development with paved roads so I could ride a bike and have friends close by.  Now that I am adult, I appreciate living in the country and have no desire to ever leave.  Or to have neighbors that I can see.

We have lived in our house for 21 years, and we finally have a neighbor we can see.  It's a little cabin behind our barn that was built by a lady who lives in Annapolis and will use it as her weekend getaway.  It has taken a little attitude adjustment on our part, but she is a very nice lady and probably the best neighbor one could have.

Last week, she sent me a text:
"Could you tell me what those birds are that come in a group and look like geese, but they're not?"

Me:
Those would be turkeys.  Wild turkeys.

My country brain cannot fathom not knowing what a wild turkey looks like.  We see them all the time and I guess we take it for granted, because apparently this is a new experience for our city neighbor.

Still, I can't help but think.....I don't live in India, but I know what an elephant looks like.   I don't live in the North Pole, but I think I'd recognize a polar bear.  I don't live in Arizona, but I think if I saw a roadrunner, I'd know what it was.  And so on.

Who doesn't know what a turkey looks like?  Mind you, this lady is not a dumb person by any means. She is educated and I would guess well traveled. and well read.  And she is not sure what those birds are that come in a group and look like geese, but they're not.

Needless to say, we got a good chuckle out of that one.

I can't wait to see what else we can learn from each other.
She chose the lot behind us because she wanted to be close to the donkeys and the goats.
It's not summer yet and I have a small idea she doesn't realize how many flies there are when you have 3 donkeys and 7 goats.
It's why our house is not close to our barn.
But hers is.
Welcome to the country, City Mouse.

PS - City Mouse, if you ever read this, please know that we really do think you are a lovely person. I'm sure if we came to your neck of the woods, we would be lost.  So I guess we're even.  Gobble, gobble.

It's hard to do 2 things at one time

I wrote this in January and I forgot to hit Publish.  I'm already killing it this year.

I went to the gym yesterday.

It was the second Monday of the New Year, so we are all still ready to keep our resolutions to be healthier and happier in 2016.

I am already healthy.

I am already happy.

Why do I want to be healthier AND happier?

Can't I just be content?

Here's the kicker with being content:  it also sounds a lot like doing nothing.

If I want to change my health, I have to make changes to my diet and to my physical activity.

If I want to change my happiness, I have to make changes in my heart. 

I don't really want to change what I eat.  I like eating donuts.  And french fries.  

I don't really want to change my heart.  I like being bitter.  And angry.

I like to pretend I want to.  I go to the gym.  I eat salad.  I smile.  I say nice things to people.

But I really don't want to change, because I want the change without the work.  

It's hard.

It takes a long time.

It might not turn out the way I want.

And the list goes on.

I am content.

Liar.

Liar.

Pants on Fire.

It's like you darned if you do and you're darned if you don't.

I mean, I am very thankful for my health and for all of the wonderful things in my life. Sometimes it seems like wanting more is ungrateful in some way.

But on the other hand (said in the voice of Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof and while we're on that subject, I hope when Alaina gets married she lets me be seated while this song is played on the piano)....on the other hand, being a good steward of what you've been blessed with also includes increasing/taking care of what you've been given, n'est pas? (insert Parable of the Talents lesson here)

I guess it's both.   It's hard to do 2 things at one time.
Like chew gum and walk.
Or talk and drive.
Or drink a slurpee and do a cartwheel.
Being content but also striving to be better.

And, if you haven't gotten enough Fiddler on the Roof for today, here's the Sabbath Prayer since today is Sunday.  They don't really sing until about 4 minutes in, but I think it's worth listening to.

Blizzard of 2016 and the Don

So we got 40 inches of snow last Friday/Saturday.

Kind of a big deal. (lol to the one person who will get that joke)

Today is Wednesday, January 27th.  It's also Superfrydad's birthday.  I made biscuits & sausage gravy for breakfast.  That's probably the extent of his celebration because he's not really much on cake.  But this post is not about him.  (He is 44, if you were wondering.)

We got many warnings that this storm had the potential to be a massive amount of snow & blizzard like conditions.  It didn't start until Friday afternoon, but I got my milk & bread on Tuesday & I am glad I did.  Local grocery stores were wiped out. There were no shovels to be found and I think probably a lot of donuts & wine were purchased.

Friday morning I called my grandmother, aka the Don (read about that here),   I knew she would be alone and I asked her if she wanted to come and stay with us.

She said no.

So I told her to pack her bag because we might come and take her by force.

She said she'd think about it and call me back.

So I said ok.

Only the Don can be threatened to be kidnapped and then make you wait to see if it's ok with her.

So after a little while she called back and said her bag was packed & to come and pick her up.

So we did.  She had her giant shopping bag filled, her crossword puzzle packed, and her flip phone charged.  We grabbed a 6 pack of mini cans of Schweppe's ginger ale, and out the door we went. (She likes Schweppe's because "it's caffeine free and I think it tastes better".  I don't know if she knows that all gingerale is caffeine free, but felt it was best to nod and agree that Schweppe's is clearly a superior ginger ale.)

We have a woodstove in our basement where we watch TV.  I generally stay upstairs because I'm fat & am always hot.  As in sweaty hot, not sexy hot.  Just wanted to clarify in case you were confused.

Anyway.

The Don is always cold.  She's thin & she's almost 84.  So we had to keep the stove cranking.  She sat by the stove in her sweatshirt, fuzzy slippers, and fuzzy blanket on her legs pretty much the whole time.  We watched the Game Show Network, which she does not have, but we might have to get her for her birthday.  She likes Family Feud with Steve Harvey and we also watched Deal or No Deal a lot.  

I thought the Don would  get antsy & want to go home.  I figured she would not be able to sleep in Superfrykid's bed.  But she actually had a good time and said she wanted to take the bed & comforter home with her.  We played Scrabble & Sorry, both of which she claimed to never have played.  I'm not so sure.

The Don & Superfrykid playing Sorry.  The Don won. 

She told us lots of different stories from her "other lifetimes" as she calls them.  We watched The Unsinkable Molly Brown starring Debbie Reynolds and we also watched Frozen, which the Don had never seen.

Side note:  At the end when Prince Hans goes to kiss Anna & then says, "Oh Anna. If only there was someone out there who did love you", the Don hissed, "What a cad!".

The funniest thing that happened was on the first night.  I was in the bedroom folding clothes & Superfrykid & the Don were out on the couch.  Superfrykid was showing her a game on her Kindle. Then I heard them both giggling and then a pause, and then more giggling, another pause, and so on.  I walked out to see what they were laughing at and it was a fart app.  Superfrykid would select a different fart noise and they would both crack up.  I wish I had a hidden camera.  It was hilarious.

The Don & Superfrykid

I'll be glad to see the snow go, but seeing the Don walk out & get into Superfrydad's truck brought a little tear to my eye.

Someone posted this on facebook & we watched it together.  She said it was true, and I think it's a good reminder to all of us that it's what is on the inside that matters.

40 is the new 30

Yesterday was my birthday.

Yesterday was my 40th birthday.

It just feels like a regular day.

Last year at this time, I wanted to lose 40 pounds by the time I turned 40.  Yeah, that didn't happen. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Bonus points if you know who this is and how to say it.

I feel obligated to pause & reflect on my life because isn't that what people do when they turn 40?

Forrest Gump's momma said "Life is like a box of chocolates....".

As much as I love chocolate, I always kind of think of life like a river.

Some people are born & get thrown in the river to sink or swim.

Some people ride down the river in an inflatable raft, holding a coozie of Mountain Dew.

Some on a dinghy.  Bet you know some of those.

Some on a sailboat, going where the wind takes them.

Some on a yacht.  I don't know any of those.  They're out of my circle.

I'm not sure what kind of vessel I'm on.

Probably a row boat, trying to row, row, row, when all I really need to do is let the river carry me.   I've been through some whirlpools, spinning and spinning and almost going down into the black hole in the center.  Sometimes the river is calm and I feel like I'm not going anywhere.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going over Niagra falls in a barrel.  That's fun.

Anyway, I don't know where this river will be winding this year, but after 40 of them, I think I'll just lean back and try to enjoy the ride.

Happy 2016.

Pass It On-goat edition

So yesterday I shared this post about Superfrykid's goat.

In a very short period of time, we raised $350 of our $500 goal.

For a dead goat.

A dead goat, people.

So here's the deal:  I said I would donate any money above that to a real person who actually has a bigger problem than a dead goat.

That person is a little girl named Lorelei.
She lives in my hood  in my local area.  I know her bus driver.
I do not know her or any of her family.
But I've seen her gofundme page on the facebook pages of some of my friends.

I have not given to her gofundme page for lots of reasons.
Here are a few:

I don't generally give to strangers because I'm never sure if it's a legit thing.
This is a real person in OUR community.  I'm pretty sure most people reading this blog are local.

I have never donated on gofundme because I'm kind of old and wary of newfangled fads, especially ones that involve computers and money.
But I got over that because I've since learned computers are not the devil and gofundme is a proven and secure way to donate.

I am stingy with my money and feel like they've already raised a good bit, so what difference does my $20 make?
Ouch, this one hurts because it's so true.  Let's face it, none of us feel rich.  But compared to the rest of the world, we are.  How many of us spend $20 at Chikfila and don't blink an eye?  Or $100 at Target and can't even remember what we bought? What if it was your kid?  A small donation, especially an anonymous one, I would imagine gives encouragement that is priceless. 

My point is, if people donate for my kid's 4H goat that died, why can't we donate to a little girl undergoing cancer treatment?

When I picked up Superfrykid from 4H Camp, the parents watched as the kids sat around the campfire for their closing ceremony.  They sang lots of silly songs, but they also sang "Pass It On".  I remember singing it at church as a kid and a teenager.  But the words still ring true.....it only takes a spark to get a fire going.

So light your little spark and get a fire going.  A good fire, not a wildfire that burns down houses.  Donate to GOATFundMe, where any money over $500 will go to the Hahn family fund.  Or if giving to GOATFundMe gets your goat.....get it?  Gets your goat?  You gotta admit you grinned a little.  But if giving to GOATFundMe gets your goat, make a donation to the Hahn Family directly.  Because Lorelei could be your daughter, or mine, or your niece or your neighbor.  Wait a minute.  She is our neighbor.  You know what that means.  Love your neighbor.  Don't make me get out my matches to spark your fire.

Donate to GOATFundMe here.
Donate to Hahn Family here.

GOatFundMe

Superfrykid just got back from 4H Camp.

While she was at camp, her 4H goat, Roscoe, got sick.

The vet came to our house, gave it some shots and it perked up.

Then it unperked.

Then we picked her up from 4H Camp.

Then the goat died.

So yesterday at the Fry house wasn't a very good day.

Superfrydad was not happy at all.

Mostly because he's a big softy on the inside and he was sad that the goat died.

But also because we've spent a good bit of money and time on this project and the youth fair is about 4 weeks away.  So now it's all for nothing.

Or maybe not.

Because a friend mentioned GOatFundMe.

It's like GoFundMe, only it's for goats.

GOatFundMe is a way for family, friends, and the community to show support for Superfrykid. Donations will go to covering the cost of the goat, the feed, and the vet bill.

If you'd like to make a contribution, it is not tax deductible, but it could make Superfrydad half-smile, which pretty much amounts to a small miracle.  So become a miracle worker today and give to GOatFundMe.

Superfrykid and the late Roscoe

Update:  Here is the link for GOATFundMe.

Mixtape Review

So, remember I made those tshirts for the Mixtape festival?
I made them in February and we finally got to wear them yesterday!

Bottom left is supposed to be "LOVE"
We left 20 minutes late because it takes a long time to pose properly for candid pics.

See how our shirts match the sign????? Except the sign is orange, which I hear is the new black.

So here's the recap of the concert for you:

Salt N Pepa opened - we only caught the last bit because we were a little late, but they sounded really good! And we heard Push It, which is the quintessential song from them.

Then rain and a little wind.  And a break between acts.  

Then Sugar Ray.  Confession:  I thought Sugar Ray was the lead singer's name.  It's not.  His name is Mark McGrath.  I thought that was a motocross racer.  But that's actually Jeremy McGrath.  It was raining and I was sitting on a garbage bag.  I didn't want to stand up for Sugar Ray because I didn't want my garbage bag to get wet for my least favorite act of the show, plus I thought I might be tired later and want to sit down on a dry seat.  But quickly I realized that to fully enjoy MixTape, one must stand up and sing along.  So I did.  And they did some covers of other songs that were fun and actually, they were pretty good.  And it was raining really hard and he was wearing white pants. Props to Mr. McGrath.

Then rain and a little more wind.  And another break between acts.

Then Nelly.  Nelly likes to talk instead of sing.  Well, he doesn't really sing when he sings either. But I give props to Nelly because it was raining really hard when he performed and he went on with the show, which is more than I can say for TLC.

TLC decided to not perform and word in the cheap seats was that it was due to the weather.  I guess TBoz and Chilli (with 2 l's, not to be confused with chili, the spicy, meaty stew eaten with cornbread)....I guess they only sing about waterfalls in the studio.  When actual water falls, they're out.  Boooooo, TLC, booooo.  You are old, but you're not made of sugar and if Salt N Pepa can get out there, so can you.  I was really hoping for a hologram of Left Eye, but I guess I should have just hoped for the living members to actually appear.  Very disappointing.  Crazy, Sexy, NOT Cool.  At the very least, you could have skyped a song or two from your tour bus and just told us the truth.  "Dear fans, we don't want to get wet.  Our weaves are very expensive and we have 2 more concerts in Canada beginning tomorrow, which means we cannot get our hair wet today."  

The line-up online showed that Vanilla Ice was the opening act, but he had not performed yet.  We wondered if he had gotten himself arrested again for stealing plywood or shingles again.  There was another wait, so we decided to brave the bathroom line.  It was long and slightly disgusting because of the smell from the crabcake vendor nearby, but we made it.  

Then it was time for the main event, NKOTB.  They were about 50/50 for me.  

On the negative side:

• They sang a good many slow songs, which aren't much fun when you don't have someone to slow dance with. 
• There was a lot of pelvic thrusting.  One or two is fine.  10 in a row as a feature in the opening song is a little off putting.  Maybe it's just me.  

On the positive side:

• They sang the classics and they shot confetti.  
• They had a quick change cam, which was kind of funny.  More subtle and classier than the pelvic thrusts, imo.  
• A shirtless Joey sang a cover of the Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams".  I would have put this in the negative column, because he was my least favorite and his performance was not only shirtless, but included a push up.  However, his voice sounded good, his hair looks much better now and I like the Eurythmics, so I decided it was a positive.
• The dance moves.  NKOTB is kind of like the Temptations.  Smooth moves at the back up mics.  And lots of show choir-ish hand gestures.  
• Vanilla Ice came out in the middle of the NKOTB set and performed.  I had forgotten about Go Ninja Go, but mercifully, he only sang part of that I think, and then he moved on to Ice Ice Baby.
• Donnie Wahlberg.  I mean, I could have just listed his name in the positives and it would have outweighed the negatives, am I right?

Other highlights included:

• Seeing old friends from back in the day, especially my middle school BFF.  We haven't seen each other in many years....We live about 500 miles apart and it took this concert for our paths to cross.  
• Being called "sir" at a Denny's inside a truckstop at 1 am.  Completing my order with a straight face while my friend snickers and snorts next to me.  You probably had to be there for that to be funny, but it was.
• Realizing how old we are compared to my friend's 14 year old daughter.  She was a trooper, but there was a small window of time where she hunkered under her poncho and played a game on her phone instead of taking in the show.  Also, she didn't pretend to not know us when we were dancing, even though she probably wanted to.
• Not dying on the way there.  It was a torrential downpour and we saw no less than 3 cars and one tractor trailer in the median, plus a very close call on the part of a guy behind us who almost bit it when we had to slow down.  Props to my friend for driving us safely and also driving up and back in one day.

I can't think of a clever way to tie this post up, but let me just say that when I saw the weather forecast, I wanted to back out and not go.  But I bought some rain boots, put on a poncho and had a really good time.  It's a life lesson, really.  You can choose to be negative and look only at the rain or you can choose to dance like a fool in the rain and have a memory that you will always treasure.  

I should probably post a link to a relevant song here, but I'll just post this because I like the leg move they do in the video.  It was before MC Hammer.  That's old. 

in spite of spite

This rhododendron was a gift to us on our last night of Awana, two years ago.  I have not watered it, pruned it, fertilized it, or done one thing to it.  But it bloomed......in spite of me.

Sometimes I wonder if that is how God is working in my life right now.  I have not watered, pruned or fertilized my faith in quite awhile.  That is to say, I have not been going to church.  Nor have I been reading my Bible. Nor have I been praying. But still, God has been watering, pruning and feeding me....in spite of me.

I've been reading Searching for Sunday by Rachel Held Evans.  She's a writer who grew up in the evangelical church, stopped going to church, and found the church again in a way she did not expect. It resonates with me, but not in a way that has made me take any action.  Yet.

Church has always been a part of my life.  I liked going as a child.  I liked going as a teenager.  I liked going as a young adult.  Now that I am 39, I'm not liking it so much. I don't mean to say I don't like God or believe in God anymore.  I do.  I am just tired of church in the way that I have experienced it.  Sunday morning.  Sunday night.  Wednesday night.  Picnics.  Meetings.  Softball games.  Weddings.  Funerals.  It feels more like a social club than a living body.

I know I need the church.  I just don't know if I need church.

I don't need to fill in the blanks of a 5 point sermon.   I need my soul filled by God's spirit.

I don't need to give my tithe in the offering plate.  I need to offer my life and everything I have to God.

I don't need to wear my best dress and heels to show my respect in God's house.  I need my soul to kick off it's shoes in the presence of God who is holy.

You get what I'm saying.  I'm at a place where I'm just tired of bullshit.  I can't sit in a pew surrounded by it and pretend it doesn't stink.  I just don't have the poker face for it anymore.  So I've moved my seat.  Out of church. (If you are offended because I just said bullshit, sorry.  Sorry you are more worried about that than you are about lots of other way more important things.)

Have I made the wrong decision?  Probably.

I know I need to be a part of the body.  I'm not sure what part I am.  Probably an index finger.  I'm pretty good at pointing.  I might be an eyelid or a toenail or something, but whatever I am, I know I cannot stand alone.

Seeing that rhododendron today made me think maybe it's time to come out of my dormancy and bloom.  We'll see.  Until then, I'll trust that God will provide rain and sun for me.....in spite of me.

Post script:  I wrote this post a few weeks ago, when my rhododendron was actually blooming.  I hesitated to actually publish the post because....well, just because.

I changed my mind tonight because I wanted to add this to it:

VBS is this week.  I asked Superfrykid if she wanted to go and she said no, she was too old for VBS. I said fine, secretly grateful that I would not have to drive her every night and even more grateful that I wouldn't have to face the dear ones at my old church who would most certainly ask, "Have you found another church?"

The wind changed and Superfrykid asked to go.  So I took her.  The first 2 nights I spent chatting with my friends, avoiding the questions (mostly), and pretending to help in the kitchen.  The third night, I went to visit my grandmother aka "The Don", who lives pretty much right next door to the church.  Tonight, I accompanied my daughter as her own personal chaperone to each station as punishment for misbehaving and generally acting a fool the night before.

It sounded like a good punishment at the time, but I quickly realized that I had signed myself up to attend VBS.  Since I have been avoiding church in general and specifically avoiding my "old" church, this was particularly prickly to me.  But I told Superfrykid this was her punishment, and so I went.

The first station was the Bible Story.  The lady who teaches at this station is a woman who could talk the socks off of any person on the face of the earth.  We'll call her "Miss Cathy" after Chatty Cathy.  Miss Cathy had things for the kids to touch and hear and see and they all listened to her as she told them the greatest story ever told.  At the end, she ran out of time and, as the kids left, she told them, "Miss Cathy loves you".  The kids were already half way out the door, I don't know how many of them heard her.

As the night went on, that's all I could think about.  "Miss Cathy loves you."

You see, after the first couple nights, I asked Superfrykid and one of her friends which VBS station they liked best.  They both said the Bible Story.  I thought it was odd.  What kid says the Bible Story is their favorite?  I figured they'd say snack or games.  Both of them, independently of the other, said emphatically, Bible Story. After tonight, I realized why.  I asked Superfrykid if the reason she liked Bible Story was because Miss Cathy told them she loved them.  Her eyes crinkled and she nodded.  I could tell that I had hit the nail on the head.

I'm not saying this will make me return to my old pew this Sunday.  But it was a little drop of much needed water to this old rhododendron with curled up leaves.

mixtapes, nkotb, and puffy paint

Things I like:
a bargain
spending time with friends
music

Things I love:
a great bargain
a short road trip with good friends
80's music

So when a friend mentioned that there's this thing called the MixTape Festival in June not far from us,..... and that Groupon had a great deal......and that the concert stars New Kids On The Block, TLC, Salt n Pepa, Vanilla Ice, Nelly and Sugar Ray........I was totally in.

Let me just say that I am by no means a superfan of any of these people or groups. However, I think this line up is epic.  And the tickets were $29!!!  We tried to get them for $20, but those were sold out.  Still, for $9 more, we might not have the absolute worst seats, right?  Who cares about that anyway?  The cheap seats will probably be more fun.....the serious fans will be up front and I need to be able to not know all the words and not have anyone around me care.

Sugar Ray I could maybe live without and maybe substitute somebody else. Like Jane's Addiction or Coolio or Kriss Kross.

Let's be honest, the only Jane's Addiction song I know is Been Caught Stealing. Somehow, I remember watching that video as a kid even though we didn't have MTV.

And let's also be honest that the only Coolio song I know is 1 2 3 4 and I also remember watching that video and thinking that part where he rides the Big Wheel is hilarious.  Still think it is.

And let's all be honest and say that the only Kriss Kross song any of us know is Jump Jump and how old are they now, anyway?  Take them off the list.  (Disclaimer: I just googled them and one of them is dead, so maybe they could do a TLC thing and hologram that guy in like I am so hoping they do for Left Eye.)

I've been really excited about this concert and decided that since I do not have a vintage NKOTB tshirt I can wear....(nevermind the fact that even if I did have one, I could only fit one boob and half of my muffin top in it since I am twice the size I was back in the day).....anyway, I decided to make my own shirt.

Here's a quick tutorial:

Supplies from Michaels
$3 t-shirt
$11 in puffy paint (black, orange, pink & blue - I got glow in the dark-yay!)
sharpie marker - fine tip
pencil, ruler & notebook paper
piece of cardboard

Step One! we can have lots of fun
I did a rough sketch on a piece of paper first just to see what it looked like.  I used a ruler at first, and then ended up free handing the rest.  Wash your t-shirt and place a piece of cardboard inside so the paint doesn't bleed through. 

This is the graphic from the website I used as my guide

Step Two! there's so much we can doooo
I had hoped when I traced over the letters with my fine-point sharpie, that enough of the lines would bleed through onto the shirt for me to trace over.  That didn't happen, so I just placed a dot on the corners of each letter and pressed down hard until I made a hole in the paper.  I actually pinned the paper to the shirt so I wouldn't accidentally shift the paper. Then I went back and filled in the lines of each letter. You can see the dots on the paper in the pic.  I also tried to just fill in with Sharpie on the L at the bottom, but realized I would run out of ink before it was all over, so I switched to puffy paint.  Basically, I tried not to make it "puffy" - I just used the tip of the bottle to spread out the paint.  Beware of "bubble farts" when you squeeze the bottle because it can splatter.  For other projects, I have squirted the paint out into a cup and painted it on with a brush, but I thought using the tip of the bottle worked just fine for this.

Step 3! it's just you and meeee
Fill in any white spaces you may have missed and let it dry (I let mine dry for like a week because I am a procrastinator & like to have unfinished projects laying around my house.)

Front of shirt

Step 4!  I can give you more
I added the line up on the back using the puffy paint.  I just free handed it and tried to match the original the best I could. It ended up a little higher than I would have liked, because I kind of have a hunchback, but I think it will be ok.    

Back of shirt - glow in the dark puffy paint

Step 5!  Don't you know that the time has arrived
There's really no step 5, but I had to finish out those Step by Step Lyrics........you know you're singing it now!  Sorry about that.  But you could be singing Ice Ice, Baby or Push It.  You're welcome.

It's possible I will be making more of these for my friends so we can all match. Maybe I can add our names to the sleeves and we could be like an official middle aged woman club.  Or a gang.  Like a biker gang with minivans instead of Harleys and glow in the dark puffy paint instead of leather.

So I'll end this blog post with  2 questions:

a.  Who's your favorite NKOTB member?
KWTF:  Donnie, duh.  

b.  Who would you substitute for Sugar Ray?
KWTF: Jane's Addiction only if Duff McKagen came back 



  

Top Ten Annoying Things of Today

Top Ten Annoying Things of Today:

1.  I accidentally overdrew my checking account and got charged $36 six times.  I hate math.  And money.  And when I try to be carefree and it backfires on me.

Actually, that's it.  Just one, not ten.

Told you I was bad at math.

Tomorrow I'm going to the bank to see if they will have mercy on me and refund 5 of my paid item fees.  Groveling at the bank to start the new year.  Good times.

On the plus side, I bought something at Gabe's today that was marked $1, and the clerk could not get it to ring up right, so she charged me 50 cents and called it a day.

I'm still down though because of those NSF fees.

2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

Welcome to 2015.

2015 is almost here!

Need some inspiration for 2015?

It's not even here yet and I'm already beginning to do some New Year's-ish things.

1.  Ate 2 donuts from Krumpes for breakfast.   Eating healthy resolution broken BEFORE the new year even begins?  Genius.

2.  Washed my make-up brushes.  Not sure I've EVER done this before.  So gross. Yet, hopefully inspiring to someone out there who needs to do this too.

3.  Cleaned out my medicine cabinet AND my food pantry.  Had some sauerkraut that expired in 2012.  And some ear drops that expired in 2011.  Again, so gross. Yet, hopefully inspiring and potentially life-saving for that someone out there who might be saved from botulism.  Or totally ineffective gingko biloba.

4.  Photo organization.  Still in the process, but working on printing photos and deleting them from my phone.  Does anyone else still print pictures?

5.  Think about deleting my facebook account.   I say this every year and we all know it won't happen.  But I still like to think about it.

6.  Bossing Superfrydad around and getting him on my clean it up bandwagon.  He is working on getting new shutters, painting the front door, putting up a cast iron dinner bell that will hopefully be the endcap to a grape arbor, getting rid of random crap out of our basement, and other random jobs I cannot do.  It's very satisfying to get someone else to do stuff for you.  I should be an executive at a giant corporation. I'm great at delegating.  Actually, not really.  I'm a control freak who only delegates jobs I absolutely cannot do or just don't want to do.  And I don't like to wear a suit.  If I could be an executive who wears yoga pants and only deals with people that listen to me, I'd be killer.

I will turn 39 in less than a week.  I've got to get it in gear.  Not like I plan to die at 40, but I suddenly feel like I am running out of time to do what I need to do. What do you need to do in 2015?

Break a leg

I wish I could say my absence from the blogging world is due to my world travels helping orphans or something awesome like that.  Truth is, I just haven't been feeling it lately.  Sometimes I start to write something and then I realize that this blog is not a personal diary for the world to read. That's what facebook is for, right?

If you just nodded your head in agreement with that last statement, maybe you should rethink what you post on facebook.  Also, maybe you should begin working on identifying sarcasm.  I'm looking at you, Sheldon Cooper.

Do you have a bucket list?  I don't.  Why should I make a list of things I'll probably never do?  It's kind of a downer, really.

But if I did have a bucket list, one thing I might include would be to be in a musical, preferably on Broadway.

I'm sort of crossing that off my non-existent bucket list.  It's not Broadway.  It's not off-Broadway.  It's not way-off Broadway.

It's local community theater.
Or theatre, if you're fancy.
I'm not fancy.
But you're now singing I'm So Fancy......you're welcome.

Superfrykid and I will be in the local theater's production of Two From Galilee, a Christmas musical telling the story of Mary & Joseph and ending in the birth of Jesus.  We are in the chorus, which is pretty much our speed.  No starring roles, no supporting roles, just the chorus.

This is our first foray into the world of musical theater.  It started as a fluke. Superfrykid enjoys going to the Youth Theatre productions and said she wanted to be in one.  The cost is $200, but I wasn't $200 sure she would like it.  A friend told me that there were auditions being held for the Christmas play at the Apollo and they were taking a few kids for the chorus.  And it was free.  Being a cheapskate, I decided she could wet her feet with the free Christmas play and then go from there.

Little did I know I would have my arm twisted by a woman named Karen I would end up auditioning too.  Several weeks later, we are now just getting ready to leave for our first performance.  It's been quite an adventure and I hope that someday Superfrykid will look back on it and be glad she had a mom who wasn't afraid to make a fool of herself in public.

And.....we can't say "break a leg", because Superfrykid already did that in the middle of our practices.  She fell and fractured her tibia so she's been on crutches practically the whole time.  Tiny Tim doesn't make an appearance in this play, but a limping kid from Nazareth does.

I just pray I don't fall into the pit or walk out with my robe tucked into my shorts.

make new friends but keep the old

Today I have been thinking about friendship.

Partly because some friends of mine and I were talking about things that have happened in our lives and how we could write a book about it.  It got me thinking about all of those things and how we have been there for each other in so many different circumstances.

Partly because I was watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Melissa's friend from her younger days, Amber, confronted Melissa about not contacting her when she had "the cancer".  I quote "the cancer" because that's what she actually said.  I shall now refer to cancer as "the cancer".  Anyway, Melissa and Amber were friends and Amber was in Melissa's wedding and then they grew apart & didn't see each other for many years.  Amber had "the cancer" and was upset that her old friend did not reach out to her.

And then the kicker was Wendy Williams.  (Yes, I watch trash TV.  Sue me.)  Wendy mentioned that she wasn't friends with the people who were in her wedding many years ago.

All of this got me to thinking.....true friendships are very special.  I don't have a ton of friends, but I do have a few true friends.  And I'm so happy to say that all of the girls who were in my wedding almost 20 years ago are still part of my life.  They wore the worst bridesmaids dresses EVER and they are still my friends - that's gotta say something.

Superfrykid modeling the bridesmaid dress my sister wore in my wedding.
Note the shiny satin, puffy sleeves, giant bow,
and the fake pearls hanging in the tasteful back cut out.
We bought them from the JCPenney catalog and had dyed to match shoes from Payless.
Needless to say, there was no Pinterest back in the day.
And nobody said a WORD about the dresses being ugly.  That's true friendship.

The one who saved my life with a breast pump
The one who was part of the infamous lawn mower incident
The one who square danced at Waffle House at 2 am

Me & Superfrydad with the girls.
Note his Home Improvement sweatshirt....so 90's!

Stirrup pants!

Since I posted those horrible photos of my friends, it's only fair to post this picture of Superfrydad & me.  This was taken at our rehearsal dinner.  I wore jean  shorts and a Tshirt with animals all over it.  And it was at Hoss's.  If anyone from TLC or any other TV network is watching, I could use a do-over....someone surely has a series called "My Super Tacky Wedding" where people who have a horribly tacky wedding and stay married for 20 years get a free do-over wedding.  If you or someone you know has a show like this, call me.

Dollar Tree VBS Decor - Weird Animals

This year our church's VBS theme is Weird Animals.

Weird Animals VBS from Group Publishing

I've done a couple different jobs in the past, but this year, I am on the decorating crew.
Which is awesome, because I don't have to deal with kids or parents
I can use my creative side to make a magical wonderland that kids will love
I am super awesome at drawing and painting and building things
well, it's awesome because the theme is very broad and I think as long as it's colorful and contains lots of animals and jungle themed flora, the kids will like it.

I thought I would post some of the things I've made because they are easy and cheap.  Some of the things I've seen on Pinterest are quite complicated and out of my league in terms of time, money, and ability.  If you have stumbled upon this post looking for decorating ideas, I feel your pain  hope this is helpful.

I have made approximately 14 trips to Dollar Tree and spent several hours on Pinterest looking for ideas that I think I can actually pull off.

So here's what I've come up with:

Plunger wrapped in duct tape, bottom covered in tissue paper, tissue paper flower on top.

Vines made out of pool noodles.  Cut in spirals, can be used for coral or vines.  $1 for one pool noodle, makes about 2 vines.  Group says it can make 3, but with the dollar tree noodles, I found that making 3 out of 1 made them too thin & flimsy.  There is a tutorial video on Group's website that shows how to make these.  Basically, you cut a swirly line and then another swirly line and then pull apart the pieces.   

Giant Flower from Dollar Tree Kickboards, Pool Noodle & Balloon
$6 - only made one...too expensive to make more & hard to stand up because of weight.  Shown here with a balloon center, but the balloon popped so we ended up using a tissue paper flower.

Tissue Paper Flower
$.50 each.  20 sheets of tissue paper per pack at Dollar Tree. 10 sheets per flower.
I googled how to make them....you can do it, it's easy.

Dollar Tree Plunger, Pool Noodle & Tissue Paper Flower
$2.50

Set for front of stage. $7.50
$2.50 for tall flower
$2 for 2 pieces of green posterboard
$2 for 2 pieces of pink posterboard
$1 for pool noodle vine/mini tissue flowers
Mounted to free cardboard apple boxes

Dollar Tree insects hung above steps with fishing line.
Pool noodle "weird" grass along steps.

Tissue paper flowers
Green door toppers from Dollar Tree

Dollar tree monkeys hanging from Dollar Tree Leis (6 for $1) on the chandeliers in the foyer.
Flower spiral hanging thing from Dollar Tree

Palm tree made from carpet tube (free), posterboard, and paper bags.
Flower made from Dollar Tree foam kick boards with tissue paper flower center.
Hard to see, but Dollar Tree snakes are wrapped around trunk.
Cardboard Baobab tree from group.  Butterfly leftover from Sky VBS, originally purchased at Ross.

Covered Bulletin Boards/Hallway with Dollar Tree Tablecloths, Dollar Tree Poster Pack, and Dollar Tree Animal Cut-Outs.

Giant Posters from Group taped to foam board.

Hallway with hanging squishy "weird animals" 

Hallway covered in Dollar Tree Tablecloths with blow up Dollar Tree Sea Creatures.

Dollar Tree Grass Skirts with Dollar Tree Monkeys & Leis - used command hooks to attach.  This looked way cuter in person.  I'm a terrible photographer plus these were taken with my phone.

Main stage using fabric backdrop from Group.
Added tissue paper flowers & painted foam trees with poster board leaves.

Superfrykid at VBS