sweaty hands

I can't remember if I have blogged about this or not.

I have sweaty hands.  And sweaty feet.

It's totally gross.

I've pretty much always had this problem but lately it's really been bothering me.

Turns out, it's an actual medical condition called hyperhidrosis. I did some internet research and here are the remedies that I found.

1.  Drysol.  This is a prescription lotion of some kind that you apply.  You put the lotion on and then put bags on your hands.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but lotion plus a plastic bag equals SWEATY.  I'm also pretty sure that Victoria's Secret does not make a line of plastic gloves with matching panties.

2.  Iontophoresis.  This is where you place your hands in water and an electrical current shocks you for 10 minutes or so.  I actually found a video where you can make your own iontophoresis machine with 2 pie pans filled with water and a small motorcycle battery.  Clearly, if I electrocute myself, sweating will be the least of my worries. 

3.  Botox.   I read that Botox injected into your hands is very painful.  Also, only areas injected with Botox stop sweating.  So if every inch of my palm is injected, my palm will not sweat.  However, if a small area is not injected, it will continue to sweat.  So I can have a MOSTLY dry hand with a small patch of sweat where they missed a place.  Plus, it hurts like you know what.  Kind of like breaking your pinkie to forget about the pain of your hangnail.  And it's super expensive.  And the wrinkles on my face will be jealous.  

4.  Surgery.  There is a surgery called ETS - Endoscopic Thoracic Sympathectomy.  They make an incision in your side, collapse your lung, and clamp part of  your sympathetic nerve.  Three words make me nervous here:  Incision, Collapse, and Clamp.  They CUT YOU OPEN, COLLAPSE YOUR LUNG AND PINCH OFF PART OF YOUR MAIN NERVOUS SYSTEM? Let me just say that as wonderful as this surgery sounds, I'm pretty sure they make you sign a whopper of a waiver before they do it.  Side effects may include death.  And probably explosive diarrhea.  As if having sweaty hands wasn't enough.  Even if you live through the surgery, I'd be willing to bet you get some kind of odd side effect that's just slightly more or less annoying than sweaty hands.

So let me just say, if I ever shake your hand, I apologize for my sweaty hands.  If I sit next to you and you see my feet glistening in my flip flops, look away.  I apologize for that mental picture that you can never un-see.  However, now that you have read this, maybe you will understand what my options are and why I cannot help it.

Here's the other thing about this post.  While it might seem funny, it's actually true, which is not funny.  Or maybe that does make it funnier.  I don't know.  All I know is that I can't afford Botox and there is no way some doctor is going to go snipping around my spine for a random nerve.  It's pretty bad when a battery and a pie pan is your best option, people.