the stand up coffin

I have an unwritten policy that I will never crawl inside a tanning bed.  Too much like a coffin and for some reason, I feel like it's just gross. Also, I'm paranoid about getting skin cancer.  Not really, but it sounds less weird than saying the coffin thing.

I guess you could say I am a tanning virgin.

I have, however, had a couple of spray tans.  I got one recently and while I was standing there in my underwear (don't try to think about it, it's not a pretty picture)....anyway, while I was standing there, the lady starts telling me about the windtunnelbr549tunneloftan or something like that.  She was using a lot of words that I didn't quite understand but I did catch one part about it blowing 22 mph winds at you.

She was talking about a stand up tanning booth.  Why she did not use those words, I'll never know, but I thought she was talking about some kind of automated spray tanning machine.

I thought she was telling me all this to say...you should get in the automated tanning machine so that nobody has to look at the carb buffet of muffin tops and backfat rolls while they spray tan you.

And for $12, I could add the turbowindtunneltanspectacular to my services for the day.  She said it would make my spray tan stick longer and the wind would dry me. 

Being a sweaty girl, I thought extra wind blowing on me would be a good thing, so I agreed.

I still didn't realize it was a tanning booth until I got inside. 

The heat of the bulbs, the stand up coffin sized space, and the force of the wind were almost enough to make me panic.  Then I realized what it was and I was like, O crap, I'm in a stand up tanning bed!

Which makes me wonder, how stupid can I be?  Did I really think they were going to blow spray tan on me at 22 mph?  I thought that's why I had the goggles! Which, by the way, are no fun to try and put directly on your eyeballs with 22 mph winds blowing on you.  Yes, the lady told me to put them on before I got in.

Obviously, I'm not a direction follower as I spent the next 3 minutes inside the coffintanningtube worrying that the bulbs had melted my contacts into my eyeballs before I got the goggles on.