Heaven is not Gluten Free

Today is Mother's Day.
I'm not a fan.

It's equal parts happy and sad for me. 

Actually, it's probably more happy, but the sad part is like biting into a surprise onion in your cheese pizza. 

You didn't ask for onion, you don't like onion, but you got a little piece anyway. 

Sure, you can spit it out, but the taste lingers and even makes you not really want to take another bite in case there is another onion hiding somewhere.  If an onion is really transparent and small, it can be tricky to dig out from the cheese without destroying the good part of the pizza.  Seems weird to compare Mother's Day to hidden onions in pizza, but I'm a picky fat girl, so that's what comes to mind.

Thinking about the happy and the sad intertwined made me think of the parable of the wheat.  Not the parable of the sower.  The wheat.  You know, the one where the wheat and the tares grow together but the farmer can't pull up the tares without destroying the wheat?  Then at the harvest, the tares get burned and the wheat is gathered into the barn? You can read it for yourself here. 

So the parable starts out "The kingdom of heaven is like"....I kind of always thought of "the kingdom of heaven" as the longer and more proper version of "heaven".  Like, "The United States of America", versus "America". 

So what IS the kingdom of heaven like?

My brain starts to think of things like, who will be my mansion neighbor?
Or, I wonder if the line to talk to God will be super long?  Like, should I go ahead and stand in line as soon as I get there, or just wait til it goes down some? And if my mansion neighbor is someone I don't really like, can I move to another block?  I'm kidding.  Sort of. 

My grasp of heaven is less seeing in a mirror, dimly, and more squinting at one of those paintings that everyone else sees as a face, but I only see dots.

But back to the parable of the wheat.  While the overarching meaning is clear, I think it can also be seen as a parable about the heart.  Joy and pain grow together sometimes and you can't just yank up the pain and throw it out without destroying the joy in the process.  Someday, that pain will be destroyed and only the joy will remain.  But not while you're still in the growing phase. 

So maybe my mansion will have a barn out back full of wheat.
I guess nobody in heaven will be gluten free, right? 

If that's true, does that mean the definition of hell is to be gluten free?  That's a post for another day.

May we be able to enjoy non-cauliflower crust pizza with no onions in glory someday.

Also, I did have special, full of gluten, Mother's Day pancakes this morning, so maybe this is heaven on earth. Pancakes, combined with living in WV, are probably as close as I will get to heaven this side of death.  Country roads, take me home. 

Pancakes courtesy of Superfrydad.  Glass of milk by Superfrykid.

COVID-19 thoughts and QUIZ

We are currently in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic.

It's possible that we are not in the midst of the pandemic.  Who knows if this is really the middle part or not?  It's likely still the beginning.  Possibly the beginning of the end.  Whatever it is, there's not much any of us can do about it, except hunker down (any Leslie Jordan fans out there?) and make the best of it.

I thought I'd make a little quiz.

For each "YES" answer, give yourself one point.

During this time, have you:

1.  Completed a jigsaw puzzle

2.  Tried a new recipe

3.  Watched Tiger King (bonus point if you've sent a TK meme to a friend)

4.  Quoted a statistic regarding COVID-19 in conversation

5.  Received a delivery of groceries or take out food

6.  Worn the same pair of yoga or pajama pants for more than 2 days in a row

7.  Cut your bangs

8.  Had a change in employment status (laid off, work from home, schedule change)

9.  Said the phrase "social distancing" more than 25 times

10.  Worn a "makeshift" type of mask e.g., a bandana or a clear cooking pot lid encased in a hoodie

11.  Worn "makeshift" gloves e.g., a ziploc baggie, winter gloves, or long shirt sleeve

12.  Cleaned out a closet

13.  Attended a zoom meeting

14.  Read a book

15.  Learned a Tik Tok dance

16.  Stood outside of a family or friend's house

17.  Counted how many rolls of toilet paper you have

18.  Had a telehealth appointment

19.  Canceled or postponed a major celebration or event (vacation, wedding, baby shower, graduation party)

20.  Wiped down your groceries with Clorox wipes

Scores:

1-5:  What planet are you living on?

6-18:  You're pretty average

19-21:  Did Carole Baskin kill her husband? 

Walmart Grocery Pickup

Walmart Grocery Pickup.

Genius or Lazy?

I suppose one could argue either way, but I lean more towards genius.  

Every genius has her own eccentricities, I suppose.  

For example, Einstein had crazy hair and nobody seemed to care.  

I go to work on a day when my electric was out at home and 3 people ask me if I'm sick.  

No, I'm not sick.  I just didn't wash my hair this morning.  

Apparently, no one thinks my crazy hair is due to genius tendencies and therefore, any aberration indicates that I may be unwell or perhaps contagious.  

But back to Walmart Grocery Pickup.

I have been using this service for several months now, on an almost weekly basis.  

I like it because I only buy the items that I need with no temptation of impulse purchases.  

Impulse purchases at Walmart can be dangerous.  You could potentially walk out with a fishing boat and not bat an eye until you get out to the parking lot and it won't fit into your trunk.

I also like pickup service because I don't have to actually get out of my car and walk inside Walmart.  I can wear my pajamas like a real Walmart shopper and nobody will see me.  

I picked up an order earlier today.  I waited only a few minutes and my groceries were brought out by a gentleman I'll call Mr. M. 

Mr. M walks out, pulling my groceries behind him.
I put my window down.

Me:  Hi, how are you?
Mr. M:  I am blessed in the name of Jesus, thank you.  I have an order here for Fry?
Me:  Yes

Mr. M puts my groceries in the trunk.

Me:  Thank you, have a good day.
Mr. M:  Thank you, drive safe in the name of Jesus. 

I can only conclude 2 things from this.
1.  Mr. M is trying to one up Chik-fil-A
2.  Mr. M is an angel

Here are my thoughts:

1. One Upper Theory:  Mr. M could be trying to bring Walmart Grocery Pickup up to the level of service provided by Chik-fil-A.  "Drive safe in the name of Jesus" isn't as concise as "my pleasure", but it does offer a divine covering that I, for one, will not reject.

2. Angel Theory:  Mr. M could be an angel.  His face and head were covered, so I couldn't really see what he looked like.  Maybe he knows that I am not the best driver in the world.  Maybe he knows I needed that blessing to make it home safely.  Avoiding a minor fender bender is great.  Avoiding having to get out of my car in my pajamas to exchange insurance information is even better. 

Either way, my benediction from Mr. M came as a surprise today. 
I receive it with a grateful heart.

The Best Mother's Day Gift

Today is Mother's Day.

Superfrydad & Superfrykid took me out to dinner last night.  I chose Cracker Barrel, because Superfrydad doesn't like it and so we never go there as a family.  Also, I am an 80 year old on the inside.  Today we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2, which was surprisingly funny and made me cry at the end. Like lump in my throat cry.  Tears pouring down my face cry.  Sniffling and wiping my nose cry.  And the music and 80's references are pretty good.

Anyway.

This post is about what I gave my mom for Mother's Day.

I gave her the greatest gift a mother can receive.

I gave her the keys to the karma bus and she ran me down with it.

Mom came over for breakfast, and Superfrykid asked to play a game of Sorry. Grandmothers cannot say no to their grandchildren, so down on the floor went our butts to play a game that is second only to Uno in terms of making people mad at each other.

Anybody else hate the look of the new Sorry game?  The classic one is way better.

During the game, I strategically played my cards and Superfrykid happened to be in the way a couple of times.
Being 12, she acted like a toddler about it.
Being 41, I also acted like a toddler about it and whacked her game piece off the board if I happened to get a Sorry card.  And I said "Waaah" like a ninja when I did it.

Superfrykid tried to cheat, I called her out on it.
Superfrykid can't shuffle, I offered to shuffle and was rebuffed with an "I can DO it!"

I happened to be removing the nail polish from my toes.
Superfrykid complained about the smell and that my foot was "in her face."
In my head, I replied with, "I'm about to put my foot up your butt", but instead, I opted for the response of a mature mother and wiggled my toes at her in defiance and made a face at her.
Basically, the game was us picking at each other like my sister & I used to do when we were kids.

Mom won and Superfrykid was putting the game away.  She came in last, btw. Incidentally, my mom has won every single game of Scrabble we have ever played. Every. Single. Game.

Anyway, there are 2 indentations in the plastic.
One shaped like a deck of cards, and a larger one for the game pieces.

Superfrykid jammed all of the game pieces into the card slot, and I reached over and moved the pieces over so she could put the cards in the correct slot.
She moved them back.
I said, "The pieces go there and the cards go in the one shaped like a deck of cards."

I did not say it in the gentle manner of a mother who is teaching her child the ways of board game clean up. It was more like how one might say it when adding "moron" to the end, like this:

"......& the cards go in the one shaped like a deck of cards, moron."

Except I didn't say moron, because if one diagrammed that sentence, the moron would be understood.  "....& the cards go in the one shaped like a deck of cards (moron)."

She said, "No! THIS is the way it goes."
I rolled my eyes and let her do it the wrong way.
Which clearly was the high road, ending the dispute in a noble way.

My mother laughed and laughed.
She said, "Karma!", with a glee that only a mother who just backed over her first born with the karma bus can.

So there you have it.
The best gift for Mother's Day is not flowers, candy, jewelry, or even a handmade card.
The best gift you can give your mom for Mother's Day is to accept the fact that when she said, "One day your kids will act just like you, " she was right.

So my suggestion for all of you young moms out there is this:  go ahead and buy a nice key chain to put the karma bus key on.  At some point, you'll need it to hand it over to your mother so she can flatten you, reverse and hit you again, and then drive off yelling out the window, "I told you so!"

Country Mouse, City Mouse

Anybody remember this book?

I grew up in the country.

When I was a kid, I wished I lived in a development with paved roads so I could ride a bike and have friends close by.  Now that I am adult, I appreciate living in the country and have no desire to ever leave.  Or to have neighbors that I can see.

We have lived in our house for 21 years, and we finally have a neighbor we can see.  It's a little cabin behind our barn that was built by a lady who lives in Annapolis and will use it as her weekend getaway.  It has taken a little attitude adjustment on our part, but she is a very nice lady and probably the best neighbor one could have.

Last week, she sent me a text:
"Could you tell me what those birds are that come in a group and look like geese, but they're not?"

Me:
Those would be turkeys.  Wild turkeys.

My country brain cannot fathom not knowing what a wild turkey looks like.  We see them all the time and I guess we take it for granted, because apparently this is a new experience for our city neighbor.

Still, I can't help but think.....I don't live in India, but I know what an elephant looks like.   I don't live in the North Pole, but I think I'd recognize a polar bear.  I don't live in Arizona, but I think if I saw a roadrunner, I'd know what it was.  And so on.

Who doesn't know what a turkey looks like?  Mind you, this lady is not a dumb person by any means. She is educated and I would guess well traveled. and well read.  And she is not sure what those birds are that come in a group and look like geese, but they're not.

Needless to say, we got a good chuckle out of that one.

I can't wait to see what else we can learn from each other.
She chose the lot behind us because she wanted to be close to the donkeys and the goats.
It's not summer yet and I have a small idea she doesn't realize how many flies there are when you have 3 donkeys and 7 goats.
It's why our house is not close to our barn.
But hers is.
Welcome to the country, City Mouse.

PS - City Mouse, if you ever read this, please know that we really do think you are a lovely person. I'm sure if we came to your neck of the woods, we would be lost.  So I guess we're even.  Gobble, gobble.

It's hard to do 2 things at one time

I wrote this in January and I forgot to hit Publish.  I'm already killing it this year.

I went to the gym yesterday.

It was the second Monday of the New Year, so we are all still ready to keep our resolutions to be healthier and happier in 2016.

I am already healthy.

I am already happy.

Why do I want to be healthier AND happier?

Can't I just be content?

Here's the kicker with being content:  it also sounds a lot like doing nothing.

If I want to change my health, I have to make changes to my diet and to my physical activity.

If I want to change my happiness, I have to make changes in my heart. 

I don't really want to change what I eat.  I like eating donuts.  And french fries.  

I don't really want to change my heart.  I like being bitter.  And angry.

I like to pretend I want to.  I go to the gym.  I eat salad.  I smile.  I say nice things to people.

But I really don't want to change, because I want the change without the work.  

It's hard.

It takes a long time.

It might not turn out the way I want.

And the list goes on.

I am content.

Liar.

Liar.

Pants on Fire.

It's like you darned if you do and you're darned if you don't.

I mean, I am very thankful for my health and for all of the wonderful things in my life. Sometimes it seems like wanting more is ungrateful in some way.

But on the other hand (said in the voice of Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof and while we're on that subject, I hope when Alaina gets married she lets me be seated while this song is played on the piano)....on the other hand, being a good steward of what you've been blessed with also includes increasing/taking care of what you've been given, n'est pas? (insert Parable of the Talents lesson here)

I guess it's both.   It's hard to do 2 things at one time.
Like chew gum and walk.
Or talk and drive.
Or drink a slurpee and do a cartwheel.
Being content but also striving to be better.

And, if you haven't gotten enough Fiddler on the Roof for today, here's the Sabbath Prayer since today is Sunday.  They don't really sing until about 4 minutes in, but I think it's worth listening to.

Blizzard of 2016 and the Don

So we got 40 inches of snow last Friday/Saturday.

Kind of a big deal. (lol to the one person who will get that joke)

Today is Wednesday, January 27th.  It's also Superfrydad's birthday.  I made biscuits & sausage gravy for breakfast.  That's probably the extent of his celebration because he's not really much on cake.  But this post is not about him.  (He is 44, if you were wondering.)

We got many warnings that this storm had the potential to be a massive amount of snow & blizzard like conditions.  It didn't start until Friday afternoon, but I got my milk & bread on Tuesday & I am glad I did.  Local grocery stores were wiped out. There were no shovels to be found and I think probably a lot of donuts & wine were purchased.

Friday morning I called my grandmother, aka the Don (read about that here),   I knew she would be alone and I asked her if she wanted to come and stay with us.

She said no.

So I told her to pack her bag because we might come and take her by force.

She said she'd think about it and call me back.

So I said ok.

Only the Don can be threatened to be kidnapped and then make you wait to see if it's ok with her.

So after a little while she called back and said her bag was packed & to come and pick her up.

So we did.  She had her giant shopping bag filled, her crossword puzzle packed, and her flip phone charged.  We grabbed a 6 pack of mini cans of Schweppe's ginger ale, and out the door we went. (She likes Schweppe's because "it's caffeine free and I think it tastes better".  I don't know if she knows that all gingerale is caffeine free, but felt it was best to nod and agree that Schweppe's is clearly a superior ginger ale.)

We have a woodstove in our basement where we watch TV.  I generally stay upstairs because I'm fat & am always hot.  As in sweaty hot, not sexy hot.  Just wanted to clarify in case you were confused.

Anyway.

The Don is always cold.  She's thin & she's almost 84.  So we had to keep the stove cranking.  She sat by the stove in her sweatshirt, fuzzy slippers, and fuzzy blanket on her legs pretty much the whole time.  We watched the Game Show Network, which she does not have, but we might have to get her for her birthday.  She likes Family Feud with Steve Harvey and we also watched Deal or No Deal a lot.  

I thought the Don would  get antsy & want to go home.  I figured she would not be able to sleep in Superfrykid's bed.  But she actually had a good time and said she wanted to take the bed & comforter home with her.  We played Scrabble & Sorry, both of which she claimed to never have played.  I'm not so sure.

The Don & Superfrykid playing Sorry.  The Don won. 

She told us lots of different stories from her "other lifetimes" as she calls them.  We watched The Unsinkable Molly Brown starring Debbie Reynolds and we also watched Frozen, which the Don had never seen.

Side note:  At the end when Prince Hans goes to kiss Anna & then says, "Oh Anna. If only there was someone out there who did love you", the Don hissed, "What a cad!".

The funniest thing that happened was on the first night.  I was in the bedroom folding clothes & Superfrykid & the Don were out on the couch.  Superfrykid was showing her a game on her Kindle. Then I heard them both giggling and then a pause, and then more giggling, another pause, and so on.  I walked out to see what they were laughing at and it was a fart app.  Superfrykid would select a different fart noise and they would both crack up.  I wish I had a hidden camera.  It was hilarious.

The Don & Superfrykid

I'll be glad to see the snow go, but seeing the Don walk out & get into Superfrydad's truck brought a little tear to my eye.

Someone posted this on facebook & we watched it together.  She said it was true, and I think it's a good reminder to all of us that it's what is on the inside that matters.