barking spiders

I just checked my blog stats.

Apparently someone visited KWTF because they googled "does ketchup make you fart?"

I'm sure they were sorely disappointed because I don't have any posts about ketchup and whether or not it makes you fart.

Beans, yes.

Ketchup, no.

I mean, I never shy away from a poop reference.... remember Fartner and  Jennifer is a Party Pooper?

Wait a minute.  This does seem to be a bit of a theme for me.  This was supposed to be like a blog where family & friends can know what's going on with our family.  Somehow it turned into fart-fest.  Whatever.  Farts are funny and anyone who doesn't laugh about is probably way too mature and intelligent to be reading this blog.

By the way, the funniest euphemism for "fart" that I've ever heard is "barking spider".  If someone lets out an audible noise that smells, they say, "Did you hear that?  I think it was a barking spider."

Barking spiders.

Watch out for 'em.

Chick-fil-A

Chick-fil-A

(sing it to the tune of "Yesterday"...it will never leave your head.)

Anyway, I've been seeing various people post things about Chik-fil-A lately and honestly, it's a little annoying to me.

If you want to support Chik-fil-A by eating there because you want to make a statement about your stance on gay marriage, by all means, please do so.

If you want to boycott Chik-fil-A by not eating there because you want to make a statement about your stance on gay marriage, by all means, please do so.  Or not do so.  You know what I mean.

I read this post about the Chik-fil-A war on a blog by Rachel Held Evans.  I may not agree with everything, but I do think that this at least makes you think about how you react to what I'm sure will be remembered as the Great Chicken War of 2012.  History teachers will likely give really hard quizzes on this 100 years from now.

That's the great thing about America.  It is a free country.  Dan Cathy can say whatever he wants and can put the money from his business wherever he wants.  You can choose to eat there or not eat there.  It's that simple.  Maybe if all of us stopped talking about what we believe and actually lived it, there would be a lot less clucking going on.

Crusty Ketchup

So, in my quest to be a great blogger because imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I thought I would post my own version of a weekly wrap up.  Actually, who am I kidding?  I am not organized enough to keep up with that.


Let's try again.  From time to time, I will collect things that I want to share and instead of stringing it out over several posts, I'll just put it into one.


Let's call it.....Crusty Ketchup.  Because who knows how long I've been collecting it and putting it into a draft version of a post.  Probably by the time I actually post it, most of it will not even be relevant anymore.  But that's why it's called Crusty Ketchup.  


Funny Video That You've Probably Already Seen But I Just Did So I'm Sharing It:
Taste Test for Hidden Valley Ranch




Funny Video:  you know that song, "now you're just somebody that I used to know"....this is funny.
That Gotye Song




My Friend Who Is A Much Better Writer Than Me's Blog:  clearly, I did not use proper grammar there, so it really could be anyone.  However, it actually is someone I know who just started a blog.  Not somebody I used to know.  Somebody I kind of just met but am getting to know.  And since I have so many followers, I thought I'd give her some props so she can generate some blog traffic.  Click here to visit her blog.


That's it for now.  Perhaps I will post more crunchy ketchup at another time.  We'll see.  

Obligatory Book Review for The Well Read Wife

Hello, welcome to Ketchup with the Frys.

If you are visiting here from The Well Read Wife, welcome.  This is the official, obligatory, honest review that was required to receive the free book.  You can skip the next part that is meant for my regular readers  reader and go straight to the review.  Or you can read the next part too, because you probably like to read since you are here from a book club, right? I mean, don't you read everything?  Cereal boxes, random blogs, whatever.  Reading is reading.  It's like pizza.  It might not be great, but it's still good.

For my regular readers  reader, let me give you a little background before you proceed with reading this post.  I was trolling the internet one night and stumbled across The Well Read Wife.  Her blog featured an online form to complete in order to receive a free book.  There were a few strings attached.  One being you had to have a blog.  Check.  Another being you have to be age 18 or older.  Check, check.  Another being you have to post an honest review of the book on your blog.  Thus, this post.  To be honest, I never thought I would be one of the 47.  I am one of those people who never wins anything.  But I did win a copy of this book.  Maybe winning is not the right word.  But I like to think of it as a win.  Anyway, the book is one that I would never purchase myself.  It's called America, You Sexy Bitch by Michael Ian Black and Meghan McCain.  First of all, it involves politics, which is a topic I abhor.  And, the title contains profanity, which I detest.  Wait, maybe I detest politics and abhor profanity.  Whatever.  It wasn't a book I was particularly excited about reading.  But I do love to read.  And I filled out the form and agreed to the terms, so here I am, posting an honest review on my blog.

The Well Read Wife also requested the 47 lucky book recipients to take a picture of themselves with the book.  Here's my picture:

That's me and Buster, our donkey.  I figured that since it was a book about politics, a picture with a donkey was appropriate.  Also, I do not own a baby elephant or I would have totally done that instead.  Also, for those who might be interested, I am wearing the same pants, shoes and socks that I wore in the S'more Butt fiasco.  And, as an added bonus, Buster & his donkey wife Jelly had their baby today!  You can see the new baby on my facebook page.

Anyway, back to the book.  First of all, I removed the dust jacket so that Superfrykid, my seven year old daughter, would not see the title of the book.  She is an avid reader, and I did not want her to read the title and suddenly tell everyone she learned a new word.  After removing the dust jacket, I had to duct tape the spine of the actual book so she could not read the title.

Of course, she noticed the duct tape and asked me why it was there.  I told her it had a bad word that I didn't want her to know and she said, "Okay," and went back to playing with her Barbies.  

Ok, so that's the background as to why I am posting a book review on KWTF.  

Here's my official, obligatory, honest review: 

America, You Sexy Bitch by Michael Ian Black and Meghan McCain is about an RV road trip across America with people from differing backgrounds and political viewpoints.  

The back of the book says, "They hoped to find out what Americans are thinking about. After talking with strippers, senators, soldiers, anarchists, Mormons, and Muslims, they ended up learning that the country they love is both more confused and more hilarious than they ever thought possible."

I have to say that I came away learning less about what Americans are thinking about and more about the personal hygiene and social drinking habits of the traveling duo and their "people".  True, they talk about many of the things that seem to polarize people in America.  Gun rights, gay rights, religion, the economy, Elvis.  Elvis?  It seemed to me that they had more to say about their visit to Graceland than they did about their conversations with actual people.   To me, the book felt more like a place to spout off their own opinions rather than scoping out what "people in America" are actually thinking about those topics.  

Meghan McCain is the conservative Republican on the trip.  She points out that her mother was pregnant with her at the 1984 Reagan convention.  Does this give her bonus points for being a super-Republican or something?  It's kind of like saying my mother was pregnant with me at a John Lennon concert, therefore I love the Beatles more than you do.  Who cares?  I understand that she's trying to say that she's grown up in the world of politics, but it just felt odd to me to keep pointing out the fact that her father is a senator in every single chapter.  We know.  That being said, I found I liked Meghan more than I thought I would.  Clearly, Meghan McCain loves our country.  And we like the same Real Housewife of Beverly Hills.  (Adrienne Maloof)

Michael Ian Black is the liberal Democrat on the trip.  I won't lie.  I did not know who he was.  I still kind of don't.  Much like Meghan including attending the Reagan convention in utero, Michael seems to think that having a lesbian mother gives him extra brownie points with the Democrats.  Maybe it does.  Who am I to say?  Michael is a family man, which I respect.  He also was funny from time to time.  But I suspect that Nermal, the crunchy trip facilitator, is funnier.  I'd be curious to hear her thoughts on the topics they discussed and on the trip in general.  

America,  You Sexy Bitch kind of gives away what kind of book it's going to be with the title.  A little irreverent, with unnecessary words thrown in to make it seem edgy.  But it's still about America, land that I love, so I guess it's not all bad.  But like our great nation, it could be better.

Like me on Facebook, follow me on Pinterest, follow me on Twitter or join my blog.  And if you just read all of that, I'm sure you have the time, so go ahead.  Get in while I'm still unknown and then when KWTF blows up you can be all hip & cool and say you've been a fan all along.  Also, if I ever do a giveaway like my girl over at The Well Read Wife, then maybe you'll be one of the winners because with only 24 followers, your odds will be spectacular.  Also, you can follow the discussion about the book on Twitter via #MBBCWRW.  Thanks to Mandy at The Well Read Wife for the free book and thank you for visiting Ketchup with the Frys.

splinters in my smoothie

Can we all agree that it's not easy to eat healthy?

I mean, I usually don't even bother trying, but I'm at the point in my life where I need to either suck it up and try to do something about my weight or I need to just surrender and buy some muumuus, an oxygen tank and a scooter.

So, I'm not quite ready to rock the scooter yet, so I have been using my elliptical (thanks, Kelly) and have been attempting to make small changes in my diet.  I know if I do something drastic, I'll never stick to it, so I figure I'll take baby steps.

Yesterday, I tried to make a smoothie.  I was visiting my sister a few days earlier & she made some really yummy smoothies for us, so I was inspired to try it for myself at home.

My ingredients:  greek yogurt, frozen berries, fresh banana, and honey.
Instructions:  Plop some yogurt and fruit into a blender, add some honey and blend until smooth.

I put my ingredients into my blender and they did not seem to want to blend.  So I took a spoon and tried to "help" it.  The spoon was my favorite Pampered Chef bamboo spoon.  I accidently hit the blade and my spoon now looks like this:

Really?  Now I have splinters in my smoothie.

You have no idea how much I wanted to throw the entire blender into the yard and light it on fire.  My favorite spoon ruined, my smoothie full of splinters, and a blender to take apart and clean.

I almost decided to drink the smoothie anyway because it's fiber, right?   Also, maybe the small splinters would make my stomach hurt and then I wouldn't want to eat anything else for the rest of the day.  Hey, that could be a new diet.  Splinter Smoothies.....with extra fiber and a stomachache so you don't eat anything for the rest of the day.  Side effects may include:  tongue splinters, stomach/intestinal cramps, bloody stool, hunger in spite of the claims of this diet, and death.  If you happen to see that on an infomercial at 2 in the morning, just remember you saw it here first.

Please excuse me while I go get myself a snack.  One that does not involve splinters.

blueberry sausage

This is Superfrykid and the remains of a balloon flower bracelet she received from a clown at the Home Depot last week.  (It's kids day on the first Saturday of the month and they have free projects and fun stuff for kids.) The flower came apart and she said, "Look mom, it's a blueberry sausage!"

That made me laugh.  Hope it makes you laugh too.

Even if your balloon flower bracelet comes apart, at least you still have something.  It's almost like when life hands you lemons, make lemonade, only with clowns, balloons and sausage.

bloggess vs. pioneer woman

I used to read The Pioneer Woman blog all the time.   Then she started getting on my nerves.  She's too popular, too cool, too not-me. Then I stumbled upon Jenny Lawson, who writes at The Bloggess.  She is hilariously funny, but her language is offensive to me.  I starting wishing that my blog was as popular and witty and trendy as their blogs, and it made me think of the similarities, or lack thereof, between them.  


I told myself I need to just accept the fact that KWTF will never be "on their level".  But then after I thought about it, I don't think I want to be like them.  I just want to be like me.  Only skinnier and with whiter teeth. 


Here are some of the thoughts that went through my head.  Please note that I realize that comparing KWTF to these blogs is like comparing my karaoke performance to Alison Krauss or Madonna.  Did you follow me there?  PDub would be Alison Krauss and Jenny Lawson would be Madonna.  I would still just be me.  Singing badly.

PW has a giant ranch with cows.
JL has an office filled with small, taxidermied animals dressed as fictional characters.
KWTF has a very small house (no ranch, no office) and does not like animals.  But likes bacon.

PW's kids get up at the crack of dawn and ride horses.
JL's kid probably sleeps in and pretends to ride unicorns.  (I don't know this for sure, but I'm guessing.)
KWTF's kid still wakes up almost every night even though she is 7 and has 2 pet donkeys.  Donkies? No, I'm pretty sure it's donkeys.

PW makes corn salsa.
JL makes wine slushies.
KWTF makes jam, jelly and occasionally a fire-roasted crayfish.

PW has a cowboy husband who wears chaps and is named Marlboro Man.
JL has a husband who gave her a kitten as an anniversary gift and is named Victor.  
KWTF has a husband who brings home donkeys and four-wheelers and is named Superfrydad.

PW gives away jewelry and her "old" clothes that still have tags on them.
JL gives away copies of her best selling book and occasionally a photo of Wil Wheaton collating paper.
KWTF doesn't give away anything because she is poor and hates to mail things at the post office.

PW has a bassett hound named Charlie.
JL has a cat named Ferris Mewler.
KWTF has a giant bear dog named Woodrow.

PW writes cookbooks and even wrote a kid's book about her dog, Charlie.
JL wrote a New York Times best-selling book, Let's Pretend This Never  Happened.
KWTF writes in a Blue's Clues-esque notebook and also nonsense on a blog that nobody reads.


That's basically all I could think of.  I realize that probably the few people who actually do read my blog will not get this at all, but I'm writing this one for me.  And I get it.  And it made me snort.  Not snort cocaine.  Just snort-laugh.  I don't know how Pioneer Woman and The Bloggess laugh.  I doubt they snort.  PW probably has a high pitched, semi-silent laugh and JL probably hisses/screeches with a honk every now and then.  That's my guess, anyway.  Maybe some night when they are googling their own names, they will come across this and contact me to let me know what their real laugh sounds like. Or to ask me to remove this post.  Either way, I would be totally excited.

Camp

Superfrykid just got back from camp.

This is Superfrykid before we left for camp.

She spent 5 nights and 6 days away from home.

She is 7 years old.

I must admit, I was a little worried.  I worried she would wake up in the middle of the night.  I worried that she would drown in the pool.  I worried that she would break an arm on the bunk beds.  I worried that she would come home with athlete's foot or lice.  I worried that she would feel left out.  I worried that she would get a sunburn.  Pretty much anything you can worry about, I worried about.

However, she had a great time.

Here are the Top Three Things About Camp According to Superfrykid:


3.  The Food.  Way better than your food, mom.  It was really good!


2.  The Skits.  She's been singing and quoting lines that are really funny.  Or so she tells me.


1.  The Pool.  "We swam a couple of times a day, mom.  I only had to take like 2 showers!"


I hope that the pool had lot of chlorine.

Next year, I think I'm just going to send her with one outfit, a bathing suit, one towel, and a toothbrush.  Actually, I take that back.  I'm not sure she used her toothbrush.

not communicating is our love language

You may or may not know this, but Superfrydad does not read this blog.

Therefore, I feel free to gripe share about him.

We recently got donkeys.  No, Jelly has not had her baby yet.

I vaguely mentioned that it was a surprise to me too when he rolled up with 2 donkeys.  Technically, he HAD talked to me about them some time before but as I recall, my response was, "Unless they are free & poop gold, I don't think it's a good idea."

After seeing Superfrykid's face - and also because I'm pretty sure WalMart would not let me return them there even though they will pretty much accept any other return - I decided that instead of having a huge fight or pouting, I would let him have this one.  Point for Superfrydad.

A few days ago, he brought home a mini four-wheeler for Superfrykid.  Without telling me.  Once again, point for Superfrydad because clearly, not telling me anything is his preferred method of communication.  It might even be his love language.

As you can see, she is clearly happy.  And while we're looking at the picture, let me just break down her outfit for you.  Pink bike helmet (yes, we know that a bike helmet is not acceptable, but just be glad she is wearing a helmet, ok?), Tractor Supply shirt with an  American Flag Barn logo, Hello Kitty tiered, ruffled skirt, and sparkly flip-flops.  I'd say she has the whole tom-boy bling look down.  The best part about her new wheels?  "I have my OWN keys, mom!"

So while I really appreciate Superfrydad's spontaneity and love for his daughter, I'm pretty sure if I came home with 2 live animals and a motor vehicle, he would have something to say.  Actually, I take that back.  He probably wouldn't say anything.  Because that's his love language.  Zondervan or whoever published that book about the 5 love languages, call me.  I could write a book about the 6th love language and I would do it way cheaper than the other guy.

Movie Review for Brave

Have you seen the new Pixar movie, "Brave"?

We took Superfrykid to see it on July 4th.  I heard it was good, but I wish I had known a couple of things before I went.

Spoiler alert!  If you have not seen the movie and don't want to know what happens, don't read this.

Like I said, I heard it was good, but I wish I had known a couple of things before I went.  

First of all, I cried through just about the whole thing.  I wish someone had told me to take my tissues.  The movie theatre napkins are hard and not very absorbent.  I have a lot of snot when I cry, ok?

Also, I wish someone would have told me exactly how scary the bears are. Superfrykid freaked out.  I guessed it was going to be scary at one point and put my hand over her eyes.  Thank goodness I did because just the sound of it made her cry into my shoulder and not want to look back up when it was over.  Plugged In, from Focus on the Family, mentions that it may well spark a nightmare or two for sensitive, younger kids.  

I guess that means I'm a sensitive, younger kid because those bears were scary.  And it's not just one small part.  There are 2 main scenes that are quite scary.  It does earn the PG rating.

All in all, I did really like the movie. It's funny, endearing and the mother-daughter relationship is a big part of the movie, which is why it made me cry.

Also, Superfrykid leaned over and whispered something to me along the lines of, "I don't have to wish you turned into a bear, mom, 'cause you already are a bear.  You're mean like a bear all the time."

Thank you.  Thank you very much.

Mean like a bear is the type of mother I've been going for.

  

Happy 4th of July

I love 4th of July.   I like all things patriotic and I really love fireworks.

Part of being an American is having the opportunity to fulfill your hopes and dreams in the land of freedom.

Here are some hopes I have for you for the 4th of July:

Hope your hot dogs don't burn.  Too much.  I like a little black.  Otherwise they look like they are naked or raw or something gross like that.  So I guess I should say, I hope your hot dogs don't catch on fire.  That's too much.  But if you're not going to char them a little, why not just eat them straight out of the package and save yourself some propane?

Hope your illegal fireworks do not land on top of your roof and burn down your house.

Hope the bananas on your flag inspired fruit kabobs that you saw on Pinterest don't turn brown.

Hope you don't have to pee while you sit in post-firework traffic for 2 hours.

Hope your jean capris are clean and make your butt look good.  And your white t-shirt does not have armpit stains.  And that you have a pair of red flip flops or something to complete your red, white and blue look.

Hope the fireworks you bought are not duds.  Sometimes the packages make them seem like they are super cool and all they really are are sparklers in a cardboard container.

Hope your kid doesn't throw a sparkler into the yard and then you accidently step on it with your bare feet while trying to find it after it goes out. Those things stay hot for a minute, let me tell you.

Hope your deviled eggs taste good and that you don't run out of paprika.  You can't have deviled eggs without paprika.  Although I hate eggs, so I don't really care.  But they just make me think of July 4th, so I thought I'd throw that in there for those of you who like to eat things that smell like butt rotten.

But in all seriousness, Happy 4th of July!
Hope you take a moment  to be thankful for the freedoms we enjoy as citizens of the United States of America!

Dora

If you have a small child, you likely have watched at least 500 episodes of Dora the Explorer.

Saw this on Rachel Held Evans and it made me laugh.

Here are my thoughts about Dora:

1.  She shares her first name with my mother-in-law.  When Superfrykid realized that her grandmother's real name was Dora, her eyes got REALLY big.  She thought we were kidding.

2.  Dora is annoying, but if my toddler watches the TV and gives me 20 minutes to take a shower, I'd say that is something that I can overlook.

3.  Dora is better than a lot of other annoying cartoons.  Think about it:  Maisy, Oobie, and Caillou are WAY more annoying.  AND, they are also kind of creepy.  That alligator on Maisy is nightmarish, Oobie is somebody's hand and who knows where that's been, and if Caillou were real, I would be uncomfortable around him.

Happy July 3rd.  Sorry this wasn't patriotic.  Maybe between now and tomorrow I will find something patriotic to post.  Or not.  Maybe I'll just be being patriotic instead of blogging about it.  We'll see.